Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Road, and random thoughts

This journey has been going on for over 4 years now and I still have yet to find the redemption I was looking at the commencement. I don't know what I was searching for, perhaps just a place where I felt I belonged. The journey started when I lost a job and decided that I did not want to be part of traditional society anymore. I moved into a van and traveled my country trying to find a place and a family.  I found so many wonderful people many whom I still consider true friends, even though we don't talk as much as we used to, I know these people will always be there for me.

David Drifter started this blog as a crazy free spirit travelling though the world getting into all kinds of mischief and trying to stay alive, since those first wild and crazy blogs, I believe a more mature Alex has emerged. I had never truly loved before or appreciated life, I was living in the moment and trying to enjoy everything, as self destructive as it may have been.

Looking back, I am glad to have grown in the ways I did. I have hit my fair amount of rough patches, but in the end I am truly blessed. This is a sappy overly philosophical blog, like most of them are....

I think that love is the truest and purist thing that a human being can have in the world, the ability to be selfless and give oneself to another is truly an exercise, that must be experienced. I have found love on this journey and I have known the loss of love. The latter is one of the most painful experiences a human can have. Now while love is not "real" and can not be measured by science, we all know it's there, creeping in our heads, first introduced though lust and animal instincts or necessity;  then, once the primal urges dissipate, we feel true feelings and want to share ourselves and our experience with someone. One of my favorite things in this world is making a memory with someone, it is something special, that can only be captured by a few.

I believe love is a unique emotion, I have found so much love on my journey, with friends, partners and myself. It is insane when I set out on this journey alone, I did expect to find so much. Its been 4 years, and I have changed careers and moved many times.

This morning I am waking up in Thailand, a place I never imagined I would live. I am in love with an amazing girl and I have made some friendships and connections with people that I am glad to have a chance to know. I am lucky to have my life, I try to remember this everyday. I know that maybe some of you are out there lost in the world and still searching for what you need. Maybe you need to look elsewhere, I don't know.

What I do know is 53 months ago I was fired from a job I enjoyed, I changed and took a risk. It has not all been great,I had never felt more loneliness, and despair. However with all the bad there has been far more good, I still have my demons that I fight with. The same demons and dragons I will battle for the rest of my life, but I am happy. Sometimes, when you think life is lost or not worth it you need to sit back and enjoy the things you have.

I will admit that I lose perspective sometimes, and get down on myself. Then I try to see myself and realize things are not that bad and I am lucky. I should be dead by now, the dragons should have slayed me, but instead I am in an amazing place, starting new friendships and a new romantic connection. I hate to sit all preachy and boast about how happy I am, when its not 100% true. I just write this blog for myself and sometimes it feels better to get it out, and if you read and enjoy, that's great. David Drifter is slowly fading, there are very little carefree days, but when they come they are cherished, the responsibilities that come with life are a heavy bundle.

I am still lost in this world, but I believe I am getting closer to being found, it may take a few more years, but I will find my place and no longer feel lost.

I love all of you, this world is an amazing place, try to remember perspective is a valuable tool to examine your life.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Bi-Annual So lonely Its Christmas Blog

Well hello everybody (both of you), welcome back to the ever depressing and morally reprehensible
" I am so lonely it's Christmas blog" .

What an exciting year, I started off in Mexico under a warm sky after spending a week with my mother and her newest husband,then drove off to Baja for sun and relaxation. Upon coming to my senses, I travelled to  Europe to see my one true Bulgarian love, we spent much time together and I departed for Poland. In Poland I met some amazing people and earned a CELTA certificate to teach English. This was my future plan, in this moment, I could stay in Europe and teach and be with my heart. However as it turns out, much as this blog documents, the more things change the more they stay the same. Currently I am alone, cold, and trapped. All these terms are quite literal in meaning and I will address them as such.

Firstly, after much fighting and arguing about the future, I am alone, two and half years and many wonderful times later, my girlfriend decided to throw me away, not because she was aware of any
transgressions or any misbehavior's; but because I want a future with her and she is not yet ready to commit. Story of my life, I always desire the one thing I can never have.

Secondly, the cold, I am currently working at a language school in Saint Petersburg, Russia; I am an English teacher.My days are filled with great people and amazing children. Most of my day is spent at home relaxing, but it is very cold or so they say (Minnesota was colder). We only get about 7 hours hours of daytime and without sun.

Lastly, the trapped part, I choose to come to Russia because it was the highest paying job in Europe I could acquire, thus visits with "the one" could be more frequent and less expensive. However since arriving the ruble, which I am paid in, has lost 50% of its value, rendering my paycheck  almost useless. Now, while inflation has yet to rear its ugly head, I am still strapped by a ridiculous exchange rate. Therefore I can not depart satisfactorily. Add into this that because of previous deplorable acts, which I committed in the State of Texas, my Arizona driver's licence has been revoked. I had a hearing, but I am in Russia. I am a van dweller, keyword VAN, this means I live in a van, if I have no licence I have no house. Also, on top of all this somebody, unbeknownest or maybe beknownest, came into my abode and helped themselves to all the money I had saved: let me do this equation for you
(ruble crash+broken heart+winter in Russia+No licence+self-imposed solitude+violent mugging= I am so lonely its Christmas blog.)

In conclusion, life is not so bad Vodka and champagne are cheap, I am not in America, and I liked almost love my job, I know its not so bad and life is amazing. I had a ton of great adventures this year, blood soaked taxis, czech strip clubs, Australian spit-roasts, hostel adventures, broken cars, Vegas room service,  and I only wish I could divulge them all like I used to, but my relationship status changed that.

On the positive side, I may be able to become the drifter again and tell the tales of debauchery you all love so much.

Adios, Leka nousht, Good night, and Merry Christmas


Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Chase

I was happy lived a good life had all I needed and was very content, traveled where I wanted, saw everything I wanted to. I was truly free of desire and intention. I had what some thought was an amazing life. To be truly free is to live how you wish and to set and achieve attainable goals and desires. I wrote weekly on a blog and told amazing stories of the good times I had. In the last couple years I have become blinded by desire and spent these years chasing a want. While the thing I wanted remained unattainable. The thing I chase is not gold, power, or money. It is not something that which the world craves, it is not something that can truly be obtained. It is a real thing, a thing with feelings and emotions and its own desire to breathe free air. I have changed so much about myself and my life to achieve this goal, that I no longer see myself in the mirror. I still can locate my smile and find the joy in my life, but no longer my freedom. I am truly alone more than ever in foreign territory, lost at sea. I chase something with free will and do not wish to impede that. The chase has left me unhappy because the closer I get the more it pushes away. My entire life has changed in these years, I have changed everything and let desire consume me. In my madness my course has been turned around and I can barely recall who I was. Desire and the chase has left me tired. I do not know that quenching this desire will fulfill me, but I no longer want the chase.

At what point do a man desire become unhealthy, when does gold fever become hysteria and when does wanderlust become disassociation. This is story as old as time, I never thought I would fall prey to desire again. I am happy with having my needs met and not wishing for gold and riches. I have been at sea for too long without seeing dry land. When do you turn around and return to the start?

Monday, December 24, 2012

The Previously Mentioned : I am so lonely on Christmas blog

                 Maybe I should not be lonely on Christmas, nor do I feel as I am. I am sitting outside the internet cafe in Quartzsite, AZ. as all the ghosts of Christmas past circle their wagons in my head. I never got to spend time making cookies, or decorations as a child, so for the past 3 years I have been trying to overcompensate for Christmas memories I do not have. Christmas' from my childhood are a blur I know I had a lot of toys as a child, but cannot remember Christmas. I do not have the memories I should, no fireplace popping, chestnuts roasting, or cookie baking. I also cannot remember ever wanting anything, but getting lots of things. Since I was about 10 I would go to the store pick out what I wanted and it would be bought and I would get it on Christmas eve, no real suspense.
                  I remember one Christmas when I did not go to the store, I asked my Step-father who I was living with at the time for way too many things (mostly CD's and stuff), and when it came to Christmas I expected one or two of these items, money was tight and this was before internet ordering, he had to find time to call and order items and to go to the store. For as long as I could remember he worked a lot of hours and never had free time, but on Christmas eve I was toughly surprised when he came though with all the things I had asked for. It means more to me now then ever before. I felt so loved, wanted, and he had listened to me.
           This was also the first of many Christmas' without my Mother. In the year previous they had divorced and she moved out and back in again in May and was gone again. I remember the previous Christmas, I was staying with my mom in a small apartment she rented and my step-father came over for Christmas, I was so happy to see them together ( I still had hope then). I thought we would have a good time, my best (and worst) memories from childhood are of those 4 years they were together, my mom may not have done a lot of things right, but she did find a man I could call "Dad", and I still do to this day. The pain of having a home and family, then watching it tear itself apart in an ugly way was still fresh in my heart; so when we gathered together that Christmas eve day, I was so happy and filled with optimism that may family would be put back together again. Instead they sat me in a chair my dad on the right, my mom on the left and told me my grandmother had died. Pain and distrust filled my heart that day, it was the first time I had to deal with death, this was not the Christmas I wanted. My dad hugged me and went home without me and my mother.

     When Christmas came a year later and I got everything I wanted, it renewed hope a little in my heart. This was the last Christmas my dad and I would spend together for several years, however. Later that year my dad asked me to move out because I had gotten in trouble at school and he was too busy to try to help, instead I was kicked to the curb and relocated in with my grandparents. Christmas' came and went and I started working on the holidays to avoid painful memories. My grandparents did a good job trying to make me happy, but by that time I could find no joy in life. I wanted nothing more, my family was destroyed, hope gone, and all I wanted was love, they gave me plenty, but not enough to repair. I remember there were still decorations in the house when my Grandfather died and I selfishly came home kissed my grandmother and moved out, leaving her alone in her time of need, history repeats itself.

Christmas today, I find myself wanting to experience joy. I am still that 11 year old boy trying to make everything perfect so his family will be happy and repair itself, that Christmas magic bullshit you see in movies. I have done that for the last 3 years with my mother and grandmother, maybe it good for me not to try this year and just take a step-back. So I am not lonely Christmas.

I love all of you out there, that took the time out of their celebrations to read this and comment. I have never shared these stories or feelings with anyone.  Merry Christmas. I  promise I will get back to the fun Drifter debauchery blogs soon.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

It is coming to the point of being uncomfortable

It seems as though things are progressing well here in Quartzsite, the paychecks clear, the hours hit 40, and there is still nothing to occupy my time (or money). I got switched to morning shifts which has good points and bad points; good points being it is busier, so less boredom and I am off in time to where my girlfriend's freetime and mine match well, so we can communicate with each other. The bad point is I have to wake up early, which is not so bad because I do not sleep all that much anyway. I have been running into some issues at work lately the "lead cook" and "kitchen manager" seem to be on very different pages it makes it rather uncomfortable for me because I have been doing things one way when one is there and another when the other is there. Learning to do things 2 ways, sucks, but I just do not care enough. My basic attitude is I just work here and do what I am told. I am trying not to take sides but one is the boss gives directions and the other thinks He is, so this leads to us on the day shift doing everything for the night shift to ensure things are done a certain way. Eventually this whole thing is going blow up and collapse and I will most likely end up back on night shift, but until then I am just trying to stay neutral. I have 62 days left here in QZ and do not really give a shit if the whole place implodes when I leave. When I leave here I am going to Bulgaria for a visit with my girl before deciding what to do with next year. This last year was pretty great and involved some great adventures I am hoping to spend more time in other parts of the world, perpetuating the American stereotypes and trying not to end up on "locked up Abroad" or maybe I should be trying to. Stay tuned for a I am so lonely on Christmas blog and a What the fuck happened this year blog.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Running Low on Excitement Juice.

I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.

Running Low on Excitement Juice.

I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.