Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Chase

I was happy lived a good life had all I needed and was very content, traveled where I wanted, saw everything I wanted to. I was truly free of desire and intention. I had what some thought was an amazing life. To be truly free is to live how you wish and to set and achieve attainable goals and desires. I wrote weekly on a blog and told amazing stories of the good times I had. In the last couple years I have become blinded by desire and spent these years chasing a want. While the thing I wanted remained unattainable. The thing I chase is not gold, power, or money. It is not something that which the world craves, it is not something that can truly be obtained. It is a real thing, a thing with feelings and emotions and its own desire to breathe free air. I have changed so much about myself and my life to achieve this goal, that I no longer see myself in the mirror. I still can locate my smile and find the joy in my life, but no longer my freedom. I am truly alone more than ever in foreign territory, lost at sea. I chase something with free will and do not wish to impede that. The chase has left me unhappy because the closer I get the more it pushes away. My entire life has changed in these years, I have changed everything and let desire consume me. In my madness my course has been turned around and I can barely recall who I was. Desire and the chase has left me tired. I do not know that quenching this desire will fulfill me, but I no longer want the chase.

At what point do a man desire become unhealthy, when does gold fever become hysteria and when does wanderlust become disassociation. This is story as old as time, I never thought I would fall prey to desire again. I am happy with having my needs met and not wishing for gold and riches. I have been at sea for too long without seeing dry land. When do you turn around and return to the start?