Sunday, June 17, 2012
It has been 6 weeks since, I got here and now my natural urge for a change of pace is starting to emerge. It has been a while since I have been in one place this long especially with the same large group of people. It seems as though I am running out of things to do, I have been Kayaking every other day and yesterday I took an adventure to Yellowstone to see old faithful, some hot springs and mud pots. Yellowstone is an interesting place it seems to be a tad bit dangerous for families to flock to, I mean the whole area is an active volcano where people gather to see Mother Nature in all her bitchiness. Thats it for today.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
It seems, the more time I spend in an organized societal structure, the more time I begin to doubt my ideals. The ideas I have of a community and building an earth-ship seem more distant than ever. I find myself starting to develop relationships and plans for the future that stray away. Did I just waste the last 18 months of learning and planning to just go back to the world I left behind?? I have no idea or plans past today anymore, I spend time kayaking and hanging out with friends I can not seem to remember anything I wanted before I got here. I am even starting to believe money can be a real concept. I think I am losing idenity and falling into a mold. Who am I crosses my mind daily, while I am starting to think of people as my playthings not my fellow humans and I am also starting to hold some resentments, I think I need a vacation from my vacation, the societal drama is starting to take its toll on me.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
In the recent days, I have been living a sober life fighting the desire to drink with the masses here and Though I am clean I am far from healthy. Being in this employee village is hard for numerous reasons; I am stuck night shift therefore I miss all organized activities I spend my nights with the same people I see all night and although there are some 70+ people here I feel isolated just seeing people in passing, never getting to know anyone truly. Yesterday, a girl was intoxicated and confided in me, it seemed as though it was the first time someone had told me something personal in over 5 years, but it doesn't count. Even when I was sober and healthy I had trouble making friends at my advanced age. I do not have any true friends no one to confide in when I am sad or unhappy. I spend most of my free time with international students where there is huge language barrier, looking at this I see it is a defense mechanism, its not that I do not want to get close to someone, its that I no longer know how. I am very trusting, loving, helpful and easy-going, but that does not seem to be enough. With the lack of alcohol, I find myself lonely and isolated. When I was a lunitic, I had friends and now I just do not know what will become of my life. I still have no fear, but feel as though I am being forced to be a part of a community then pushed to the outside. My empty and meaningless life is coming to the surface and I do not know what is going on. Maybe I am scared of what lives beneath the surface of my happy and carefree lifestyle, the man I was in true society when I tried to socialize, the violent and resentful mindfucker and I start to think it might be easier to pull away or even hook up my wagons and head home, back to my anonymous lifestyle where I do not have to be a part of anything, and can just curl up into a ball and fade away. So instead of playing pool in the rec hall I choose to come to my lonely shared room and type to nobody.
I am truly sorry to you readers out there I am not in a good way as of late, the days start good with some kayaking at nearby Colter Bay, but soon the party ends and work, reality and mortality must be faced.
I love you all, and hope to one day return to the exciting adventourous blogs, I used to turn out, but unfornutley my life is kinda boring right now. Sorry guys. Adios and good day.
Monday, June 4, 2012
I arrived in Jackson, WY on May 14th and started a new position with the Flagg Ranch Company, I am working in the kitchen as a cook. It is interesting to say the least, the job is the same as every other cooking job, so I will not go into the details. The best part of living here is meeting the International students there are a bunch of kids here from Bulgaria and a few from Russia, they
are fun to hang out with and as most of you know, I love foreigners.
The worst part of being here is that my daily battles are returning, I find myself consuming mass quantities and waking up in different rooms. the struggle is here and it seems as though I am surrounded by a fair amount of persons with the same issues, lost in the woods without communication with no recourse but to drink.
I am sick and tired of being sick tired as the cliche goes, the constant shaky mornings, and endless nights. Cloudy days and darker nights. I am starting to wonder if this will end well, it can't possibly, but I am far from bottom just teetering on the edge of sanity. Currently, I am trying to find a more constructive way to spend my time, but most of my days without drinking just feel empty as usual, I have met some great people, and hope to make real connections, but the only people I really like to talk to do not quite understand English and the others see me as I am/was my first impression seems to have made an imprint and now as I try to clean out, I find it difficult as drink are constantly handed to me. This battle I will win and I will return to center. Sorry , for being such a downer, but only the dark times have been burnt into my memory.
I love you all.