Sunday, June 10, 2012

Coping with Mortality

In the recent days, I have been living a sober life fighting the desire to drink with the masses here and Though I am clean I am far from healthy. Being in this employee village is hard for numerous reasons; I am stuck night shift therefore I miss all organized activities I spend my nights with the same people I see all night and although there are some 70+ people here I feel isolated just seeing people in passing, never getting to know anyone truly. Yesterday, a girl was intoxicated and confided in me, it seemed as though it was the first time someone had told me something personal in over 5 years, but it doesn't count. Even when I was sober and healthy I had trouble making friends at my advanced age. I do not have any true friends no one to confide in when I am sad or unhappy.  I spend most of my free time with international students where there is huge language barrier, looking at this I see it is a defense mechanism, its not that I do not want to get close to someone, its that I no longer know how. I am very trusting, loving, helpful and easy-going, but that does not seem to be enough.  With the lack of alcohol, I find myself lonely and isolated. When I was a lunitic, I had friends and now I just do not know what will become of my life. I still have no fear, but feel as though I am being forced to be a part of a community then pushed to the outside. My empty and meaningless life is coming to the surface and I do not know what is going on. Maybe I am scared of what lives beneath the surface of my happy and carefree lifestyle, the man I was in true society when I tried to socialize, the violent and resentful mindfucker and I start to think it might be easier to pull away or even hook up my wagons and head home, back to my anonymous lifestyle where I do not have to be a part of anything, and can just curl up into a ball and fade away. So instead of playing pool in the rec hall I choose to come to my lonely shared room and type to nobody.

I am truly sorry to you readers out there I am not in a good way as of late, the days start good with some kayaking at nearby Colter Bay, but soon the party ends and work, reality and mortality must be faced.

I love you all, and hope to one day return to the exciting adventourous blogs, I used to turn out, but unfornutley my life is kinda boring right now. Sorry guys. Adios and good day.


  1. keep the faith bro theres always some one thinking of you

  2. It's scary to connect with people sober... alcohol gives us the courage (and the excuse!) to put ourselves out there, that our sober selves lack. We tie ourselves up in knots when we're sober about how others view us - will they like me? Will they accept me? Do I deserve good friends when I've done so much shitty stuff in life? We forget that ultimately, people will like us and accept us DESPITE our faults, if we only put ourselves out there and let them like us.

    If I may be so bold, I believe you are wrong about one thing: That girl who confided in you DOES count. Even though she was drunk, it counts. I imagine that she would not have been able to express herself as she did without the alcohol - perhaps her social anxiety is as great as yours - but it counts, and it counts more than you realize. She recognized your sober self as someone who she could trust with her confidence. Rightly so.

    You are not alone, and you do deserve to be liked by others.