Sunday, June 10, 2012
Coping with Mortality
In the recent days, I have been living a sober life fighting the desire to drink with the masses here and Though I am clean I am far from healthy. Being in this employee village is hard for numerous reasons; I am stuck night shift therefore I miss all organized activities I spend my nights with the same people I see all night and although there are some 70+ people here I feel isolated just seeing people in passing, never getting to know anyone truly. Yesterday, a girl was intoxicated and confided in me, it seemed as though it was the first time someone had told me something personal in over 5 years, but it doesn't count. Even when I was sober and healthy I had trouble making friends at my advanced age. I do not have any true friends no one to confide in when I am sad or unhappy. I spend most of my free time with international students where there is huge language barrier, looking at this I see it is a defense mechanism, its not that I do not want to get close to someone, its that I no longer know how. I am very trusting, loving, helpful and easy-going, but that does not seem to be enough. With the lack of alcohol, I find myself lonely and isolated. When I was a lunitic, I had friends and now I just do not know what will become of my life. I still have no fear, but feel as though I am being forced to be a part of a community then pushed to the outside. My empty and meaningless life is coming to the surface and I do not know what is going on. Maybe I am scared of what lives beneath the surface of my happy and carefree lifestyle, the man I was in true society when I tried to socialize, the violent and resentful mindfucker and I start to think it might be easier to pull away or even hook up my wagons and head home, back to my anonymous lifestyle where I do not have to be a part of anything, and can just curl up into a ball and fade away. So instead of playing pool in the rec hall I choose to come to my lonely shared room and type to nobody.
I am truly sorry to you readers out there I am not in a good way as of late, the days start good with some kayaking at nearby Colter Bay, but soon the party ends and work, reality and mortality must be faced.
I love you all, and hope to one day return to the exciting adventourous blogs, I used to turn out, but unfornutley my life is kinda boring right now. Sorry guys. Adios and good day.