Monday, June 4, 2012

Same Battle, New Battlefield

I arrived in Jackson, WY on May 14th and started a new position with the Flagg Ranch Company, I am working in the kitchen as a cook.  It is interesting to say the least, the job is the same as every  other cooking job, so I will not go into the details. The best part of living here is meeting  the International students  there are a bunch of kids here from Bulgaria and a few from Russia, they
are fun to hang out with and as most of you know, I love foreigners.

The worst part of being here is that my daily battles are returning, I find myself consuming mass quantities and waking up in different rooms. the struggle is here and it seems as though I am surrounded by a fair amount of persons with the same issues, lost in the woods without communication with no recourse but to drink.

I am sick and tired of being sick tired as the cliche goes, the constant shaky mornings, and endless nights. Cloudy days and darker nights. I am starting to wonder if this will end well, it can't possibly, but I am far from bottom just teetering on the edge of sanity. Currently, I am trying to find a more constructive way to spend my time, but most of my days without drinking just feel empty as usual, I have met some great people, and hope to make real connections, but the only people I really like to talk to  do not quite understand English and the others see me as I am/was my first impression seems to have made an imprint and now as I try to clean out, I find it difficult as drink are constantly handed to me. This battle I will win and I will return to center. Sorry , for being such a downer, but only the dark times have been burnt into my memory.

I love you all.


  1. Replies
    1. That is where I think I will be going, I did a lot when I was in Mexico and shit was good.

  2. Your words read like ones I wrote myself, many years ago, as I, too, battled with how to say no.

    One trick I found really helpful when I first quit drinking but was unable to quit the *lifestyle* around the drink was to always ALREADY have a cup already in my hand. I used a typical plastic refillable cup with lid on it (like many use for coffee). Nobody knew that the cup was filled with plain soda - since they were all drunk, none thought to question it :)

    It can be particularly challenging when you are surrounded by those who are on vacation, wanting to party, while you yourself are actually seeking to escape the demons that haunt you and working. Use work as an excuse whenever you can - it's one that is universally understood and accepted - "Love to hang with ya'll but I gotta get some sleep, otherwise I won't be able to cook you guys breakfast in the morning!"

    There are always options available to you to aid fighting your demons. It can be difficult to recognize them at times, but with creative thinking and some effort, you'll find what works best for you.

    Just remember you're not alone.

  3. Sometimes it helps to talk it out, just so you can get it on paper in front of you. Good luck!

    The Tuckerbag

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