Monday, December 24, 2012

The Previously Mentioned : I am so lonely on Christmas blog

                 Maybe I should not be lonely on Christmas, nor do I feel as I am. I am sitting outside the internet cafe in Quartzsite, AZ. as all the ghosts of Christmas past circle their wagons in my head. I never got to spend time making cookies, or decorations as a child, so for the past 3 years I have been trying to overcompensate for Christmas memories I do not have. Christmas' from my childhood are a blur I know I had a lot of toys as a child, but cannot remember Christmas. I do not have the memories I should, no fireplace popping, chestnuts roasting, or cookie baking. I also cannot remember ever wanting anything, but getting lots of things. Since I was about 10 I would go to the store pick out what I wanted and it would be bought and I would get it on Christmas eve, no real suspense.
                  I remember one Christmas when I did not go to the store, I asked my Step-father who I was living with at the time for way too many things (mostly CD's and stuff), and when it came to Christmas I expected one or two of these items, money was tight and this was before internet ordering, he had to find time to call and order items and to go to the store. For as long as I could remember he worked a lot of hours and never had free time, but on Christmas eve I was toughly surprised when he came though with all the things I had asked for. It means more to me now then ever before. I felt so loved, wanted, and he had listened to me.
           This was also the first of many Christmas' without my Mother. In the year previous they had divorced and she moved out and back in again in May and was gone again. I remember the previous Christmas, I was staying with my mom in a small apartment she rented and my step-father came over for Christmas, I was so happy to see them together ( I still had hope then). I thought we would have a good time, my best (and worst) memories from childhood are of those 4 years they were together, my mom may not have done a lot of things right, but she did find a man I could call "Dad", and I still do to this day. The pain of having a home and family, then watching it tear itself apart in an ugly way was still fresh in my heart; so when we gathered together that Christmas eve day, I was so happy and filled with optimism that may family would be put back together again. Instead they sat me in a chair my dad on the right, my mom on the left and told me my grandmother had died. Pain and distrust filled my heart that day, it was the first time I had to deal with death, this was not the Christmas I wanted. My dad hugged me and went home without me and my mother.

     When Christmas came a year later and I got everything I wanted, it renewed hope a little in my heart. This was the last Christmas my dad and I would spend together for several years, however. Later that year my dad asked me to move out because I had gotten in trouble at school and he was too busy to try to help, instead I was kicked to the curb and relocated in with my grandparents. Christmas' came and went and I started working on the holidays to avoid painful memories. My grandparents did a good job trying to make me happy, but by that time I could find no joy in life. I wanted nothing more, my family was destroyed, hope gone, and all I wanted was love, they gave me plenty, but not enough to repair. I remember there were still decorations in the house when my Grandfather died and I selfishly came home kissed my grandmother and moved out, leaving her alone in her time of need, history repeats itself.

Christmas today, I find myself wanting to experience joy. I am still that 11 year old boy trying to make everything perfect so his family will be happy and repair itself, that Christmas magic bullshit you see in movies. I have done that for the last 3 years with my mother and grandmother, maybe it good for me not to try this year and just take a step-back. So I am not lonely Christmas.

I love all of you out there, that took the time out of their celebrations to read this and comment. I have never shared these stories or feelings with anyone.  Merry Christmas. I  promise I will get back to the fun Drifter debauchery blogs soon.


  1. I'm glad you shared your story David. It is a hard story and I think it needed telling.

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