This is where I would normally feel sorry for myself and write a sad blog. Today has been an off day, well everyday is an off day. Living this empty lifestyle is starting to wear me down, I have my typical list of grievances with life, no emotional connection to anyone and no friends whatsoever. Instead of dwelling on that I am choosing to try to figure out how I got here. I currently live my life in such a state as to not dwell on the past and not think about the future. For some reason my earlier life was full of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, fear of strangers and fear of dying alone. I am to assume most of these fears have a great bearing on how I live my life now. I never made any new friends after high school and as my partying got worse most of my friends went away to jobs and relationships, as I moved across the country. I am still here stunted in my adolescence. I am still learning to overcome my fears, but as I spend more time away from society I see more of them reappearing, I am no longer scared to try new things, I could care less if people leave me, I get rejected daily for the most part, and yearn for intimacy. I recently returned to America from an extended trip in Mexico where because of language barriers I never interacted with anyone. I am back in the states now and I find it hard to talk to people, I am nervous and scared. I have lost my last remaining friends recently due to my own selfishness and hard living lifestyle. I would love to be able to take the time to try to fix these broken bonds, but truth be told I will more than likely never see any of them again, I have moved away. I still have a huge fear of dying alone, which prays on me everyday, I do not have anyone left to discuss my fears and thoughts with, so I type them in this blog. It provides some minor relief to the numbing pain of my loneliness. Without even trying I know that my next year holds an endless stream of temporary friendships and get to know you chat, but nothing of value will come from them. I am looking to get off the road by the end of 2012 and start up a life somewhere new and that scares me a fair amount because at my age where does one meet new people?? I just had to type something to get out of this funk. I do not know why i am so full of fear, but it is eating from the inside out most days. I know in my heart life will continue to be great and I am fortunate to have the few families members I have.
In other news moved from Texas to Arizona to store my van, plan on going to Wyoming on foot, and doing a ton of research on earthbag and rammed earth dwellings. I would love to type some exhilarating story of fun and adventure to entertain you, but I do not have it in me.
I LOVE EVERYONE OF YOU and Hope you appreciate every friend you have because your truly blessed.