Lost in Translation

It has been 6 weeks since, I got here and now my natural urge for a change of pace is starting to emerge. It has been a while since I have been in one place this long especially with the same large group of people. It seems as though I am running out of things to do, I have been Kayaking every other day and yesterday I took an adventure to Yellowstone to see old faithful, some hot springs and mud pots. Yellowstone is an interesting place it seems to be a tad bit dangerous for families to flock to, I mean the whole area is an active volcano where people gather to see Mother Nature in all her bitchiness. Thats it for today.

Re-evaluations

It seems, the more time I spend in an organized societal structure, the more time I begin to doubt my ideals. The ideas I have of a community and building an earth-ship seem more distant than ever. I find myself starting to develop relationships and plans for the future that stray away. Did I just waste the last 18 months of learning and planning to just go back to the world I left behind?? I have no idea or plans past today anymore, I spend time kayaking and hanging out with friends I can not seem to remember anything I wanted before I got here. I am even starting to believe money can be a real concept. I think I am losing idenity and falling into a mold. Who am I crosses my mind daily, while I am starting to think of people as my playthings not my fellow humans and I am also starting to hold some resentments, I think I need a vacation from my vacation, the societal drama is starting to take its toll on me.

Coping with Mortality

In the recent days, I have been living a sober life fighting the desire to drink with the masses here and Though I am clean I am far from healthy. Being in this employee village is hard for numerous reasons; I am stuck night shift therefore I miss all organized activities I spend my nights with the same people I see all night and although there are some 70+ people here I feel isolated just seeing people in passing, never getting to know anyone truly. Yesterday, a girl was intoxicated and confided in me, it seemed as though it was the first time someone had told me something personal in over 5 years, but it doesn't count. Even when I was sober and healthy I had trouble making friends at my advanced age. I do not have any true friends no one to confide in when I am sad or unhappy.  I spend most of my free time with international students where there is huge language barrier, looking at this I see it is a defense mechanism, its not that I do not want to get close to someone, its that I no longer know how. I am very trusting, loving, helpful and easy-going, but that does not seem to be enough.  With the lack of alcohol, I find myself lonely and isolated. When I was a lunitic, I had friends and now I just do not know what will become of my life. I still have no fear, but feel as though I am being forced to be a part of a community then pushed to the outside. My empty and meaningless life is coming to the surface and I do not know what is going on. Maybe I am scared of what lives beneath the surface of my happy and carefree lifestyle, the man I was in true society when I tried to socialize, the violent and resentful mindfucker and I start to think it might be easier to pull away or even hook up my wagons and head home, back to my anonymous lifestyle where I do not have to be a part of anything, and can just curl up into a ball and fade away. So instead of playing pool in the rec hall I choose to come to my lonely shared room and type to nobody.

I am truly sorry to you readers out there I am not in a good way as of late, the days start good with some kayaking at nearby Colter Bay, but soon the party ends and work, reality and mortality must be faced.

I love you all, and hope to one day return to the exciting adventourous blogs, I used to turn out, but unfornutley my life is kinda boring right now. Sorry guys. Adios and good day.

Same Battle, New Battlefield

I arrived in Jackson, WY on May 14th and started a new position with the Flagg Ranch Company, I am working in the kitchen as a cook.  It is interesting to say the least, the job is the same as every  other cooking job, so I will not go into the details. The best part of living here is meeting  the International students  there are a bunch of kids here from Bulgaria and a few from Russia, they
are fun to hang out with and as most of you know, I love foreigners.

The worst part of being here is that my daily battles are returning, I find myself consuming mass quantities and waking up in different rooms. the struggle is here and it seems as though I am surrounded by a fair amount of persons with the same issues, lost in the woods without communication with no recourse but to drink.

I am sick and tired of being sick tired as the cliche goes, the constant shaky mornings, and endless nights. Cloudy days and darker nights. I am starting to wonder if this will end well, it can't possibly, but I am far from bottom just teetering on the edge of sanity. Currently, I am trying to find a more constructive way to spend my time, but most of my days without drinking just feel empty as usual, I have met some great people, and hope to make real connections, but the only people I really like to talk to  do not quite understand English and the others see me as I am/was my first impression seems to have made an imprint and now as I try to clean out, I find it difficult as drink are constantly handed to me. This battle I will win and I will return to center. Sorry , for being such a downer, but only the dark times have been burnt into my memory.

I love you all.