Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Exposing Ones Self

This is 100th post I suppose that is milestone, but it should be more by now.

I got back on the road and am camped out in Quartzsite, AZ. Quartzsite is a desert destination for RVers and retirees to keep warm in the winter, I like to refer to it as "senior spring break" every season thousands converge here to mingle, shop and eat. I found a job cooking at little cafe and while it is slow, life is seemingly enjoyable.

Now to the blog title. Exposing ones self, I live in a very protected bubble and very seldom, if ever, will I let anyone in.  If you let someone inside your world then they know your weaknesses and can hurt you more. I am writing terribly tonight.

This blog is my true exposure to the world, I put myself out there every time I write, if you took the time to go though the entire thing, you would have a rather vivid portrait of me. In summary, I am a hard partier, who just wants to be loved, at the same time while holding contempt for society at large and most people in general. A  loner not by choice, but because he is afraid to let people in. I cry myself to sleep more nights than I laugh myself to sleep. My pain will not leave although I have forgiven all those who have hurt me. I make bad choices and am mean to many people in an effort to push the closest away before they get a chance to reject and hurt me. I fight a daily battle with myself to try to find it in me to trust someone completely  again.

I am stuck in perpetual childhood, and can not find a way to make healthy adult relationships. I am trying everyday to be a better person. I will fall on the sword for any and everyone for no reason whatsoever, I am guilty for everything that is wrong with you and me. Everything is my fault. I feel eternal guilt for so much of the bad things I have done in this world, and am constantly looking for redemption. Will I ever allow my self to be absolved. Some one told me that I am a book of self fulfilling prophecies, in other words I say a bad thing will happen and then I make sure it does. Deep down I am a scared little boy. Full of fear and praying to make a friend, but everytime I do fear and jealousy destroy it.

Please do not read too much into this entry, I am just typing to type. Or am I?

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