Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Running Low on Excitement Juice.
I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.
Running Low on Excitement Juice.
I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
The Feeling of Being Needed, Letting Guilt In
Today marks a first for me. To say in my entire life I have put work above all else is an understatement those who have seen me work know that I have a dedication and am fiercely loyal. For years I have worked countless 70 plus hour weeks and destroyed relationships with family and friends in the process. When I get a job I feel it is my place to do whats right for the company and will push everything else away to get the job done.
Yesterday on my day off, I was called in to work for a sick employee, now usually I do not mind working an extra day because I do not have much going in my life. This was a massive inconvenience though as I am in a long distance relationship with an amazing girl, and between work schedules and time zones we seldom get to talk for long periods, this is where my days off come in. Today, however is the day before Thanksgiving here in the United States and my Grandmother is driving 3 hours to have a meal with me because I work tomorrow. This will be the first time we have done thanksgiving together in 4 years, but the other worker is still sick and I am needed. I could call my Grandmother, have her turn around, and she would understand, as I have done this to many times to count. She has been on the receiving end of my overworking not caring enough for my family needs far too many times. I want us to have fun and enjoy Thanksgiving, even if it is in a restaurant and for a short time a day early. She was watched me work every holiday we had since I was 15 years old, pushing the family aside.
This brings us to a new first in my life, I put family first said enough I will not work. I am overcome with guilt however for letting the company down and not dropping everything to go in, but I am standing my ground. I hope I do not change my mind. Guilt is a powerful motivator.
Yesterday on my day off, I was called in to work for a sick employee, now usually I do not mind working an extra day because I do not have much going in my life. This was a massive inconvenience though as I am in a long distance relationship with an amazing girl, and between work schedules and time zones we seldom get to talk for long periods, this is where my days off come in. Today, however is the day before Thanksgiving here in the United States and my Grandmother is driving 3 hours to have a meal with me because I work tomorrow. This will be the first time we have done thanksgiving together in 4 years, but the other worker is still sick and I am needed. I could call my Grandmother, have her turn around, and she would understand, as I have done this to many times to count. She has been on the receiving end of my overworking not caring enough for my family needs far too many times. I want us to have fun and enjoy Thanksgiving, even if it is in a restaurant and for a short time a day early. She was watched me work every holiday we had since I was 15 years old, pushing the family aside.
This brings us to a new first in my life, I put family first said enough I will not work. I am overcome with guilt however for letting the company down and not dropping everything to go in, but I am standing my ground. I hope I do not change my mind. Guilt is a powerful motivator.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Exposing Ones Self
This is 100th post I suppose that is milestone, but it should be more by now.
I got back on the road and am camped out in Quartzsite, AZ. Quartzsite is a desert destination for RVers and retirees to keep warm in the winter, I like to refer to it as "senior spring break" every season thousands converge here to mingle, shop and eat. I found a job cooking at little cafe and while it is slow, life is seemingly enjoyable.
Now to the blog title. Exposing ones self, I live in a very protected bubble and very seldom, if ever, will I let anyone in. If you let someone inside your world then they know your weaknesses and can hurt you more. I am writing terribly tonight.
This blog is my true exposure to the world, I put myself out there every time I write, if you took the time to go though the entire thing, you would have a rather vivid portrait of me. In summary, I am a hard partier, who just wants to be loved, at the same time while holding contempt for society at large and most people in general. A loner not by choice, but because he is afraid to let people in. I cry myself to sleep more nights than I laugh myself to sleep. My pain will not leave although I have forgiven all those who have hurt me. I make bad choices and am mean to many people in an effort to push the closest away before they get a chance to reject and hurt me. I fight a daily battle with myself to try to find it in me to trust someone completely again.
I am stuck in perpetual childhood, and can not find a way to make healthy adult relationships. I am trying everyday to be a better person. I will fall on the sword for any and everyone for no reason whatsoever, I am guilty for everything that is wrong with you and me. Everything is my fault. I feel eternal guilt for so much of the bad things I have done in this world, and am constantly looking for redemption. Will I ever allow my self to be absolved. Some one told me that I am a book of self fulfilling prophecies, in other words I say a bad thing will happen and then I make sure it does. Deep down I am a scared little boy. Full of fear and praying to make a friend, but everytime I do fear and jealousy destroy it.
Please do not read too much into this entry, I am just typing to type. Or am I?
I got back on the road and am camped out in Quartzsite, AZ. Quartzsite is a desert destination for RVers and retirees to keep warm in the winter, I like to refer to it as "senior spring break" every season thousands converge here to mingle, shop and eat. I found a job cooking at little cafe and while it is slow, life is seemingly enjoyable.
Now to the blog title. Exposing ones self, I live in a very protected bubble and very seldom, if ever, will I let anyone in. If you let someone inside your world then they know your weaknesses and can hurt you more. I am writing terribly tonight.
This blog is my true exposure to the world, I put myself out there every time I write, if you took the time to go though the entire thing, you would have a rather vivid portrait of me. In summary, I am a hard partier, who just wants to be loved, at the same time while holding contempt for society at large and most people in general. A loner not by choice, but because he is afraid to let people in. I cry myself to sleep more nights than I laugh myself to sleep. My pain will not leave although I have forgiven all those who have hurt me. I make bad choices and am mean to many people in an effort to push the closest away before they get a chance to reject and hurt me. I fight a daily battle with myself to try to find it in me to trust someone completely again.
I am stuck in perpetual childhood, and can not find a way to make healthy adult relationships. I am trying everyday to be a better person. I will fall on the sword for any and everyone for no reason whatsoever, I am guilty for everything that is wrong with you and me. Everything is my fault. I feel eternal guilt for so much of the bad things I have done in this world, and am constantly looking for redemption. Will I ever allow my self to be absolved. Some one told me that I am a book of self fulfilling prophecies, in other words I say a bad thing will happen and then I make sure it does. Deep down I am a scared little boy. Full of fear and praying to make a friend, but everytime I do fear and jealousy destroy it.
Please do not read too much into this entry, I am just typing to type. Or am I?
Thursday, November 1, 2012
No, I am not dead, Time to write something new.
This first excerpt is something I wrote on September 8, 2012, I could not post then because of lack of internet, motivation, and other things. I have been reading it daily and trying to put life in perspective it pretty sums up my summer experience:
"31 days ago was my 31st birthday and after a wild party I no longer had the desire to drink, now my room is still filled with bottles and I know this will not last because who is David Drifter without the party. I have been spending my summer working in Grand Tetons national Park. I am cooking in the restaurant and working about 70 hours a week I found a beautiful girl to spend my free time with, although we only have a short time left together every minute is worth it. This summer has been real eye opening to me after being away from social structures and people for so long it has been a unique adjustment period. I have made friends and watched them leave over and over. I still am not sure weather the pain is worth it; I find myself sad sometimes as my friends head home, go to jail, or get fired. I have had more girlfriends and relationships in the last for months than I have had in the last 6 years. I traded a surefire girl that I know I could spend the rest of my life with for a 40 day fling with a finite ending, I still cannot figure out why, but in my sobriety it seemed to make sense."
I have contemplated alot about including that last part about the surefire girl, but decided to keep it. It is weird the things we think in our drunken days, what seems like a perfect idea seems to fade as the days go on. The surefire girl was like this, when I was intoxicated it was nice to have her, but as soon as I cleaned up, I saw things and darknesses in her I had not seen before and as more time has past since our break up, which I was not very good at and she has every right to be bitter, I realize this was not where I wanted to spend my life.
As for the girl with the finite end that end has yet to come, we are trying a long distance thing and it seems good, I am very lucky to have a girl like her, she is so different from everyone I have ever met. She is wonderful and just seems to reinforce my ideals that I am a lucky man and lead a great life.
The sobriety he is still here as a passenger on my crazy train, he has yet to jump off this time and I think he has made himself at home. At least for a while.
I have spent the last three weeks redoing the van and am planning on heading to Quartzsite, I am hoping to find work in one of the restaurants there for the season, but as with any move nervousness is starting to sink in. I just have to keep my head down and go full throttle.
To be continued.......................
"31 days ago was my 31st birthday and after a wild party I no longer had the desire to drink, now my room is still filled with bottles and I know this will not last because who is David Drifter without the party. I have been spending my summer working in Grand Tetons national Park. I am cooking in the restaurant and working about 70 hours a week I found a beautiful girl to spend my free time with, although we only have a short time left together every minute is worth it. This summer has been real eye opening to me after being away from social structures and people for so long it has been a unique adjustment period. I have made friends and watched them leave over and over. I still am not sure weather the pain is worth it; I find myself sad sometimes as my friends head home, go to jail, or get fired. I have had more girlfriends and relationships in the last for months than I have had in the last 6 years. I traded a surefire girl that I know I could spend the rest of my life with for a 40 day fling with a finite ending, I still cannot figure out why, but in my sobriety it seemed to make sense."
I have contemplated alot about including that last part about the surefire girl, but decided to keep it. It is weird the things we think in our drunken days, what seems like a perfect idea seems to fade as the days go on. The surefire girl was like this, when I was intoxicated it was nice to have her, but as soon as I cleaned up, I saw things and darknesses in her I had not seen before and as more time has past since our break up, which I was not very good at and she has every right to be bitter, I realize this was not where I wanted to spend my life.
As for the girl with the finite end that end has yet to come, we are trying a long distance thing and it seems good, I am very lucky to have a girl like her, she is so different from everyone I have ever met. She is wonderful and just seems to reinforce my ideals that I am a lucky man and lead a great life.
The sobriety he is still here as a passenger on my crazy train, he has yet to jump off this time and I think he has made himself at home. At least for a while.
I have spent the last three weeks redoing the van and am planning on heading to Quartzsite, I am hoping to find work in one of the restaurants there for the season, but as with any move nervousness is starting to sink in. I just have to keep my head down and go full throttle.
To be continued.......................
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