The Road, and random thoughts

This journey has been going on for over 4 years now and I still have yet to find the redemption I was looking at the commencement. I don't know what I was searching for, perhaps just a place where I felt I belonged. The journey started when I lost a job and decided that I did not want to be part of traditional society anymore. I moved into a van and traveled my country trying to find a place and a family.  I found so many wonderful people many whom I still consider true friends, even though we don't talk as much as we used to, I know these people will always be there for me.


David Drifter started this blog as a crazy free spirit travelling though the world getting into all kinds of mischief and trying to stay alive, since those first wild and crazy blogs, I believe a more mature Alex has emerged. I had never truly loved before or appreciated life, I was living in the moment and trying to enjoy everything, as self destructive as it may have been.


Looking back, I am glad to have grown in the ways I did. I have hit my fair amount of rough patches, but in the end I am truly blessed. This is a sappy overly philosophical blog, like most of them are....


I think that love is the truest and purist thing that a human being can have in the world, the ability to be selfless and give oneself to another is truly an exercise, that must be experienced. I have found love on this journey and I have known the loss of love. The latter is one of the most painful experiences a human can have. Now while love is not "real" and can not be measured by science, we all know it's there, creeping in our heads, first introduced though lust and animal instincts or necessity;  then, once the primal urges dissipate, we feel true feelings and want to share ourselves and our experience with someone. One of my favorite things in this world is making a memory with someone, it is something special, that can only be captured by a few.


I believe love is a unique emotion, I have found so much love on my journey, with friends, partners and myself. It is insane when I set out on this journey alone, I did expect to find so much. Its been 4 years, and I have changed careers and moved many times.


This morning I am waking up in Thailand, a place I never imagined I would live. I am in love with an amazing girl and I have made some friendships and connections with people that I am glad to have a chance to know. I am lucky to have my life, I try to remember this everyday. I know that maybe some of you are out there lost in the world and still searching for what you need. Maybe you need to look elsewhere, I don't know.


What I do know is 53 months ago I was fired from a job I enjoyed, I changed and took a risk. It has not all been great,I had never felt more loneliness, and despair. However with all the bad there has been far more good, I still have my demons that I fight with. The same demons and dragons I will battle for the rest of my life, but I am happy. Sometimes, when you think life is lost or not worth it you need to sit back and enjoy the things you have.


I will admit that I lose perspective sometimes, and get down on myself. Then I try to see myself and realize things are not that bad and I am lucky. I should be dead by now, the dragons should have slayed me, but instead I am in an amazing place, starting new friendships and a new romantic connection. I hate to sit all preachy and boast about how happy I am, when its not 100% true. I just write this blog for myself and sometimes it feels better to get it out, and if you read and enjoy, that's great. David Drifter is slowly fading, there are very little carefree days, but when they come they are cherished, the responsibilities that come with life are a heavy bundle.


I am still lost in this world, but I believe I am getting closer to being found, it may take a few more years, but I will find my place and no longer feel lost.


I love all of you, this world is an amazing place, try to remember perspective is a valuable tool to examine your life.

Bi-Annual So lonely Its Christmas Blog

Well hello everybody (both of you), welcome back to the ever depressing and morally reprehensible
" I am so lonely it's Christmas blog" .

What an exciting year, I started off in Mexico under a warm sky after spending a week with my mother and her newest husband,then drove off to Baja for sun and relaxation. Upon coming to my senses, I travelled to  Europe to see my one true Bulgarian love, we spent much time together and I departed for Poland. In Poland I met some amazing people and earned a CELTA certificate to teach English. This was my future plan, in this moment, I could stay in Europe and teach and be with my heart. However as it turns out, much as this blog documents, the more things change the more they stay the same. Currently I am alone, cold, and trapped. All these terms are quite literal in meaning and I will address them as such.

Firstly, after much fighting and arguing about the future, I am alone, two and half years and many wonderful times later, my girlfriend decided to throw me away, not because she was aware of any
transgressions or any misbehavior's; but because I want a future with her and she is not yet ready to commit. Story of my life, I always desire the one thing I can never have.

Secondly, the cold, I am currently working at a language school in Saint Petersburg, Russia; I am an English teacher.My days are filled with great people and amazing children. Most of my day is spent at home relaxing, but it is very cold or so they say (Minnesota was colder). We only get about 7 hours hours of daytime and without sun.

Lastly, the trapped part, I choose to come to Russia because it was the highest paying job in Europe I could acquire, thus visits with "the one" could be more frequent and less expensive. However since arriving the ruble, which I am paid in, has lost 50% of its value, rendering my paycheck  almost useless. Now, while inflation has yet to rear its ugly head, I am still strapped by a ridiculous exchange rate. Therefore I can not depart satisfactorily. Add into this that because of previous deplorable acts, which I committed in the State of Texas, my Arizona driver's licence has been revoked. I had a hearing, but I am in Russia. I am a van dweller, keyword VAN, this means I live in a van, if I have no licence I have no house. Also, on top of all this somebody, unbeknownest or maybe beknownest, came into my abode and helped themselves to all the money I had saved: let me do this equation for you
(ruble crash+broken heart+winter in Russia+No licence+self-imposed solitude+violent mugging= I am so lonely its Christmas blog.)

In conclusion, life is not so bad Vodka and champagne are cheap, I am not in America, and I liked almost love my job, I know its not so bad and life is amazing. I had a ton of great adventures this year, blood soaked taxis, czech strip clubs, Australian spit-roasts, hostel adventures, broken cars, Vegas room service,  and I only wish I could divulge them all like I used to, but my relationship status changed that.

On the positive side, I may be able to become the drifter again and tell the tales of debauchery you all love so much.

Adios, Leka nousht, Good night, and Merry Christmas

DD

The Chase

I was happy lived a good life had all I needed and was very content, traveled where I wanted, saw everything I wanted to. I was truly free of desire and intention. I had what some thought was an amazing life. To be truly free is to live how you wish and to set and achieve attainable goals and desires. I wrote weekly on a blog and told amazing stories of the good times I had. In the last couple years I have become blinded by desire and spent these years chasing a want. While the thing I wanted remained unattainable. The thing I chase is not gold, power, or money. It is not something that which the world craves, it is not something that can truly be obtained. It is a real thing, a thing with feelings and emotions and its own desire to breathe free air. I have changed so much about myself and my life to achieve this goal, that I no longer see myself in the mirror. I still can locate my smile and find the joy in my life, but no longer my freedom. I am truly alone more than ever in foreign territory, lost at sea. I chase something with free will and do not wish to impede that. The chase has left me unhappy because the closer I get the more it pushes away. My entire life has changed in these years, I have changed everything and let desire consume me. In my madness my course has been turned around and I can barely recall who I was. Desire and the chase has left me tired. I do not know that quenching this desire will fulfill me, but I no longer want the chase.

At what point do a man desire become unhealthy, when does gold fever become hysteria and when does wanderlust become disassociation. This is story as old as time, I never thought I would fall prey to desire again. I am happy with having my needs met and not wishing for gold and riches. I have been at sea for too long without seeing dry land. When do you turn around and return to the start?

The Previously Mentioned : I am so lonely on Christmas blog

                 Maybe I should not be lonely on Christmas, nor do I feel as I am. I am sitting outside the internet cafe in Quartzsite, AZ. as all the ghosts of Christmas past circle their wagons in my head. I never got to spend time making cookies, or decorations as a child, so for the past 3 years I have been trying to overcompensate for Christmas memories I do not have. Christmas' from my childhood are a blur I know I had a lot of toys as a child, but cannot remember Christmas. I do not have the memories I should, no fireplace popping, chestnuts roasting, or cookie baking. I also cannot remember ever wanting anything, but getting lots of things. Since I was about 10 I would go to the store pick out what I wanted and it would be bought and I would get it on Christmas eve, no real suspense.
                  I remember one Christmas when I did not go to the store, I asked my Step-father who I was living with at the time for way too many things (mostly CD's and stuff), and when it came to Christmas I expected one or two of these items, money was tight and this was before internet ordering, he had to find time to call and order items and to go to the store. For as long as I could remember he worked a lot of hours and never had free time, but on Christmas eve I was toughly surprised when he came though with all the things I had asked for. It means more to me now then ever before. I felt so loved, wanted, and he had listened to me.
           This was also the first of many Christmas' without my Mother. In the year previous they had divorced and she moved out and back in again in May and was gone again. I remember the previous Christmas, I was staying with my mom in a small apartment she rented and my step-father came over for Christmas, I was so happy to see them together ( I still had hope then). I thought we would have a good time, my best (and worst) memories from childhood are of those 4 years they were together, my mom may not have done a lot of things right, but she did find a man I could call "Dad", and I still do to this day. The pain of having a home and family, then watching it tear itself apart in an ugly way was still fresh in my heart; so when we gathered together that Christmas eve day, I was so happy and filled with optimism that may family would be put back together again. Instead they sat me in a chair my dad on the right, my mom on the left and told me my grandmother had died. Pain and distrust filled my heart that day, it was the first time I had to deal with death, this was not the Christmas I wanted. My dad hugged me and went home without me and my mother.

     When Christmas came a year later and I got everything I wanted, it renewed hope a little in my heart. This was the last Christmas my dad and I would spend together for several years, however. Later that year my dad asked me to move out because I had gotten in trouble at school and he was too busy to try to help, instead I was kicked to the curb and relocated in with my grandparents. Christmas' came and went and I started working on the holidays to avoid painful memories. My grandparents did a good job trying to make me happy, but by that time I could find no joy in life. I wanted nothing more, my family was destroyed, hope gone, and all I wanted was love, they gave me plenty, but not enough to repair. I remember there were still decorations in the house when my Grandfather died and I selfishly came home kissed my grandmother and moved out, leaving her alone in her time of need, history repeats itself.

Christmas today, I find myself wanting to experience joy. I am still that 11 year old boy trying to make everything perfect so his family will be happy and repair itself, that Christmas magic bullshit you see in movies. I have done that for the last 3 years with my mother and grandmother, maybe it good for me not to try this year and just take a step-back. So I am not lonely Christmas.

I love all of you out there, that took the time out of their celebrations to read this and comment. I have never shared these stories or feelings with anyone.  Merry Christmas. I  promise I will get back to the fun Drifter debauchery blogs soon.

It is coming to the point of being uncomfortable

It seems as though things are progressing well here in Quartzsite, the paychecks clear, the hours hit 40, and there is still nothing to occupy my time (or money). I got switched to morning shifts which has good points and bad points; good points being it is busier, so less boredom and I am off in time to where my girlfriend's freetime and mine match well, so we can communicate with each other. The bad point is I have to wake up early, which is not so bad because I do not sleep all that much anyway. I have been running into some issues at work lately the "lead cook" and "kitchen manager" seem to be on very different pages it makes it rather uncomfortable for me because I have been doing things one way when one is there and another when the other is there. Learning to do things 2 ways, sucks, but I just do not care enough. My basic attitude is I just work here and do what I am told. I am trying not to take sides but one is the boss gives directions and the other thinks He is, so this leads to us on the day shift doing everything for the night shift to ensure things are done a certain way. Eventually this whole thing is going blow up and collapse and I will most likely end up back on night shift, but until then I am just trying to stay neutral. I have 62 days left here in QZ and do not really give a shit if the whole place implodes when I leave. When I leave here I am going to Bulgaria for a visit with my girl before deciding what to do with next year. This last year was pretty great and involved some great adventures I am hoping to spend more time in other parts of the world, perpetuating the American stereotypes and trying not to end up on "locked up Abroad" or maybe I should be trying to. Stay tuned for a I am so lonely on Christmas blog and a What the fuck happened this year blog.

Running Low on Excitement Juice.

I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.

Running Low on Excitement Juice.

I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.

The Feeling of Being Needed, Letting Guilt In

Today marks a first for me. To say in my entire life I have put work above all else is an understatement  those who have seen me work know that I have a dedication and am fiercely loyal. For years I have worked countless 70 plus hour weeks and destroyed relationships with family and friends in the process. When I get a job I feel it is my place to do whats right for the company and will push everything else away to get the job done.

Yesterday on my day off, I was called in to work for a sick employee, now usually I do not mind working an extra day because I do not have much going in my life. This was a massive inconvenience though as I am in a long distance relationship with an amazing girl, and between work schedules and time zones we seldom get to talk for long periods, this is where my days off come in. Today, however is the day before Thanksgiving here in the United States and my Grandmother is driving 3 hours to have a meal with me because I work tomorrow. This will be the first time we have done thanksgiving together in 4 years, but the other worker is still sick and I am needed. I could call my Grandmother, have her turn around, and she would understand, as I have done this to many times to count. She has been on the receiving end of my overworking not caring enough for my family needs far too many times. I want us to have fun and enjoy Thanksgiving, even if it is in a restaurant and for a short time a day early. She was watched me work every holiday we had since I was 15 years old, pushing the family aside.

This brings us to a new first in my life, I put family first said enough I will not work. I am overcome with guilt however for letting the company down and not dropping everything to go in, but I am standing my ground. I hope I do not change my mind. Guilt is a powerful motivator.

Exposing Ones Self

This is 100th post I suppose that is milestone, but it should be more by now.

I got back on the road and am camped out in Quartzsite, AZ. Quartzsite is a desert destination for RVers and retirees to keep warm in the winter, I like to refer to it as "senior spring break" every season thousands converge here to mingle, shop and eat. I found a job cooking at little cafe and while it is slow, life is seemingly enjoyable.

Now to the blog title. Exposing ones self, I live in a very protected bubble and very seldom, if ever, will I let anyone in.  If you let someone inside your world then they know your weaknesses and can hurt you more. I am writing terribly tonight.

This blog is my true exposure to the world, I put myself out there every time I write, if you took the time to go though the entire thing, you would have a rather vivid portrait of me. In summary, I am a hard partier, who just wants to be loved, at the same time while holding contempt for society at large and most people in general. A  loner not by choice, but because he is afraid to let people in. I cry myself to sleep more nights than I laugh myself to sleep. My pain will not leave although I have forgiven all those who have hurt me. I make bad choices and am mean to many people in an effort to push the closest away before they get a chance to reject and hurt me. I fight a daily battle with myself to try to find it in me to trust someone completely  again.

I am stuck in perpetual childhood, and can not find a way to make healthy adult relationships. I am trying everyday to be a better person. I will fall on the sword for any and everyone for no reason whatsoever, I am guilty for everything that is wrong with you and me. Everything is my fault. I feel eternal guilt for so much of the bad things I have done in this world, and am constantly looking for redemption. Will I ever allow my self to be absolved. Some one told me that I am a book of self fulfilling prophecies, in other words I say a bad thing will happen and then I make sure it does. Deep down I am a scared little boy. Full of fear and praying to make a friend, but everytime I do fear and jealousy destroy it.

Please do not read too much into this entry, I am just typing to type. Or am I?

No, I am not dead, Time to write something new.

This first excerpt is something I wrote on September 8, 2012, I could not post then because of lack of internet, motivation, and other things. I have been reading it daily and trying to put life in perspective  it pretty sums up my summer experience:

"31 days ago was my 31st birthday and after a wild party I no longer had the desire to drink, now my room is still filled with bottles and I know this will not last because who is David Drifter without the party. I have been spending my summer working in Grand Tetons national Park. I am cooking in the restaurant and working about 70 hours a week I found a beautiful girl to spend my free time with, although we only have a short time left together every minute is worth it. This summer has been real eye opening to me after being away from social structures and people for so long it has been a unique adjustment period. I have made friends and watched them leave over and over. I still am not sure weather the pain is worth it; I find myself sad sometimes as my friends head home, go to jail, or get fired. I have had more girlfriends and relationships in the last for months than I have had in the last 6 years. I traded a surefire girl that I know I could spend the rest of my life with for a 40 day fling with a finite ending, I still cannot figure out why, but in my sobriety it seemed to make sense."


       I have contemplated alot about including that last part about the surefire girl, but decided to keep it. It is weird the things we think in our drunken days, what seems like a perfect idea seems to fade as the days go on. The surefire girl was like this, when I was intoxicated it was nice to have her, but as soon as I cleaned up, I saw things and darknesses in her I had not seen before and as more time has past since our break up, which I was not very good at and she has every right to be bitter, I realize this was not where I wanted to spend my life.

As for the girl with the finite end that end has yet to come, we are trying a long distance thing and it seems good, I am very lucky to have a girl like her, she is so different from everyone I have ever met. She is wonderful and just seems to reinforce my ideals that I am a lucky man and lead a great life.

The sobriety he is still here as a passenger on my crazy train, he has yet to jump off this time and I think he has made himself at home. At least for a while.

I have spent the last three weeks redoing the van and am planning on heading to Quartzsite, I am hoping to find work in one of the restaurants there for the season, but as with any move nervousness is starting to sink in. I just have to keep my head down and go full throttle.

To be continued.......................

Lost in Translation

It has been 6 weeks since, I got here and now my natural urge for a change of pace is starting to emerge. It has been a while since I have been in one place this long especially with the same large group of people. It seems as though I am running out of things to do, I have been Kayaking every other day and yesterday I took an adventure to Yellowstone to see old faithful, some hot springs and mud pots. Yellowstone is an interesting place it seems to be a tad bit dangerous for families to flock to, I mean the whole area is an active volcano where people gather to see Mother Nature in all her bitchiness. Thats it for today.

Re-evaluations

It seems, the more time I spend in an organized societal structure, the more time I begin to doubt my ideals. The ideas I have of a community and building an earth-ship seem more distant than ever. I find myself starting to develop relationships and plans for the future that stray away. Did I just waste the last 18 months of learning and planning to just go back to the world I left behind?? I have no idea or plans past today anymore, I spend time kayaking and hanging out with friends I can not seem to remember anything I wanted before I got here. I am even starting to believe money can be a real concept. I think I am losing idenity and falling into a mold. Who am I crosses my mind daily, while I am starting to think of people as my playthings not my fellow humans and I am also starting to hold some resentments, I think I need a vacation from my vacation, the societal drama is starting to take its toll on me.

Coping with Mortality

In the recent days, I have been living a sober life fighting the desire to drink with the masses here and Though I am clean I am far from healthy. Being in this employee village is hard for numerous reasons; I am stuck night shift therefore I miss all organized activities I spend my nights with the same people I see all night and although there are some 70+ people here I feel isolated just seeing people in passing, never getting to know anyone truly. Yesterday, a girl was intoxicated and confided in me, it seemed as though it was the first time someone had told me something personal in over 5 years, but it doesn't count. Even when I was sober and healthy I had trouble making friends at my advanced age. I do not have any true friends no one to confide in when I am sad or unhappy.  I spend most of my free time with international students where there is huge language barrier, looking at this I see it is a defense mechanism, its not that I do not want to get close to someone, its that I no longer know how. I am very trusting, loving, helpful and easy-going, but that does not seem to be enough.  With the lack of alcohol, I find myself lonely and isolated. When I was a lunitic, I had friends and now I just do not know what will become of my life. I still have no fear, but feel as though I am being forced to be a part of a community then pushed to the outside. My empty and meaningless life is coming to the surface and I do not know what is going on. Maybe I am scared of what lives beneath the surface of my happy and carefree lifestyle, the man I was in true society when I tried to socialize, the violent and resentful mindfucker and I start to think it might be easier to pull away or even hook up my wagons and head home, back to my anonymous lifestyle where I do not have to be a part of anything, and can just curl up into a ball and fade away. So instead of playing pool in the rec hall I choose to come to my lonely shared room and type to nobody.

I am truly sorry to you readers out there I am not in a good way as of late, the days start good with some kayaking at nearby Colter Bay, but soon the party ends and work, reality and mortality must be faced.

I love you all, and hope to one day return to the exciting adventourous blogs, I used to turn out, but unfornutley my life is kinda boring right now. Sorry guys. Adios and good day.

Same Battle, New Battlefield

I arrived in Jackson, WY on May 14th and started a new position with the Flagg Ranch Company, I am working in the kitchen as a cook.  It is interesting to say the least, the job is the same as every  other cooking job, so I will not go into the details. The best part of living here is meeting  the International students  there are a bunch of kids here from Bulgaria and a few from Russia, they
are fun to hang out with and as most of you know, I love foreigners.

The worst part of being here is that my daily battles are returning, I find myself consuming mass quantities and waking up in different rooms. the struggle is here and it seems as though I am surrounded by a fair amount of persons with the same issues, lost in the woods without communication with no recourse but to drink.

I am sick and tired of being sick tired as the cliche goes, the constant shaky mornings, and endless nights. Cloudy days and darker nights. I am starting to wonder if this will end well, it can't possibly, but I am far from bottom just teetering on the edge of sanity. Currently, I am trying to find a more constructive way to spend my time, but most of my days without drinking just feel empty as usual, I have met some great people, and hope to make real connections, but the only people I really like to talk to  do not quite understand English and the others see me as I am/was my first impression seems to have made an imprint and now as I try to clean out, I find it difficult as drink are constantly handed to me. This battle I will win and I will return to center. Sorry , for being such a downer, but only the dark times have been burnt into my memory.

I love you all.

Faith and Failure

DISCLAIMER: I am copying these down exactly as written, most of this I do not remember writing and it also has religious discussion, so disregard if that bothers you. I am waiting for the atheist and christian right hate mail.


Day 1

I was offered a ride from Kingman, Az to the us 93 and after a 3 miles, I departed the vehicle and started walking. Two miles later I was picked up by a veteran named John who was in Vegas to visit his incarcerated wife. He lives in Idaho, now while it would have been easy on me to accept his ride to Idaho, I instead choose to part ways in Alamo, NV. Although I could have sat and discussed sleep cycles, free market economy, and the political bullshit of the justice system. For the next 10 hours or so.
       From this point I walked 7 miles or so to the next town "Ash Springs". Where upon arriving I was run out of town, so to speak. A nice older gentleman explained to where the BLM land was next to the "world famous" Ash Springs.

 As the day is closing I am at a small lagoon watching a family swim, writing this about to set up my tent. I am physically exhausted and emotionally spent. I have been here before. My destination seems further away then when I started. All is in doubt.

Day 2

Last night was amazing. I slept in the desert under the stars,and woke to the beauty of the daybreak. It is amazing this world!!! Late last night I had an in depth conversation with myself; trying to understand and comprehend, how our brains know what to do? How does life know how to exist and be "life"? I mean really how does it know? It just made me reconfirm my faith in a higher power, something had to create the wiring to know all this. I honestly believe in 200 years when machines take over they will wonder the same thing. They will forget the humans that created them, the humans whom they slowly replaced and exterminated.
I am not a religious zealot, by any means. I just accept the fact that life, the actual being that is life, is amazing. I also accept that humans are not the end all be all, I also accept most of the teachings of the bible because without the moral lessons contained within we (humans) would have killed each other off long ago. I also agree with the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth because he taught love, acceptance, and forgiveness.
Although in general, I do belive that organized worship much like organized patriotism is controllist bullshit. It is up to the individual to choose how they believe and practice.

Day 2 began, not just like any other day. I packed up my tent/gear and  walked over to the Ash Springs. Several people were there, I was friendly to all and talked to a couple. I proceeded to head North on the highway, soon after my start I was pulled over, well not really pulled over because I was already on the side of the road, so I guess I was stopped, by a nice Nevada Highway Patrolman. A short discussion in-sued and I was on my way. I walked about 4 miles and decided to stop, I have an inability to sit still and kept walking. I did sit for a few hours trying to get another ride, this was a failure. After about 7 miles of walking and 5 hours of sitting, I gave up, now I know I am a failure in this mission, but I learned valuable lessons for next time.
          I walked 7 miles back to The gas station in Ash Springs and the first person I spoke to, took me back to my van. I have been resting for a couple days and the soreness is gone. I will be leaving again soon. It is weird how soon we forget, this morning I woke up and almost start walking North again, after 2 days in bed trying to regain feeling in my legs.


Oh well Love you all. Thanks for reading??

Challenge Accepted

If I have learned anything about myself in this lifetime, it is that I like to push myself to my mental, emotional, and physical limits. To most this seems reckless, but to me it is more about finding my breaking point. I belive Einstein said it best with "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one", and to myself I want to find the limits of my reality and push myself into a void and darkened realm. How best do you understand insanity, if you have not been insane? Can you really understand what it is to love, without first experiencing true loss?? How can you know what your limits are if you have not pushed against them? With this I have decided once again to challenge/torture myself.




The challenge is to get from Kingman, AZ to my work location in Moran, Wy in 12 days. Seems rather easy, right?




Here are the parameters which I am holding myself to:




1). No public/payed transportation

2). I will have only $20 dollars

3). No purchasing food

4). No asking for anything other than directions

5). No accepting rides over 30 miles

6). No hotels, or motels

7). Only thing that can be purchased is water.

8). No Interstates

9). Must accept all offered things, with the exception of rule 5




This doesn't seems so hard, but we will see. I am taking a pen and paper and will try update this blog as often as I can if not, I will put together an essay when I get where I am going. I leave next Tuesday, Love you all.

This Is Where I

This is where I would normally feel sorry for myself and write a sad blog. Today has been an off day, well everyday is an off day.  Living this empty lifestyle is starting to wear me down, I have my typical list of grievances with life, no emotional connection to anyone and no friends whatsoever. Instead of dwelling on that I am choosing to try to figure out how I got here. I currently live my life in such a state as to not dwell on the past and not think about the future. For some reason my earlier  life was full of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, fear of strangers and fear of dying alone. I am to assume most of these fears have a great bearing on how I live my life now. I never made any new friends after high school and as my partying got worse most of my friends went away to jobs and relationships, as I moved across the country. I am still here stunted in my adolescence. I am still learning to overcome my fears, but as I spend more time away from society I see more of them reappearing, I am no longer scared to try new things, I could care less if people leave me, I get rejected daily for the most part, and yearn for intimacy.  I recently returned to America from an extended trip in Mexico where because of language barriers I never interacted with anyone. I am back in the states now and I find it hard to talk to people, I am nervous and scared. I have lost my last remaining friends recently due to my own selfishness and hard living lifestyle. I would love to be able to take the time to try to fix these broken bonds, but truth be told I will more than likely never see any of them again, I have moved away. I still have a huge fear of dying alone, which prays on me everyday, I do not have anyone left to discuss my fears and thoughts with, so I type them in this blog. It provides some minor relief to the numbing pain of my loneliness. Without even trying I know that my next year holds an endless stream of temporary friendships and get to know you chat, but nothing of value will come from them. I am looking to get off the road by the end of 2012 and start up a life somewhere new and that scares me a fair amount because at my age where does one meet new people??  I just had to type something to get out of this funk. I do not know why i am so full of fear, but it is eating from the inside out most days. I know in my heart life will continue to be great and I am fortunate to have the few families members I have.

In other news moved from Texas to Arizona to store my van, plan on going to Wyoming on foot, and doing a ton of research on earthbag and rammed earth dwellings. I would love to type some exhilarating story of fun and adventure to entertain you, but I do not have it in me.

I LOVE EVERYONE OF YOU and Hope you appreciate every friend you have because your truly blessed.

David Drifter

Its a Blessing and a Curse

This week I took some much needed travel time and went to the beach in Port Aransas. Upon arriving I quickly rented a surfboard and headed out to the shore which would become my home for the next few days.

The van the way it was meant to be.

I quickly learned  that renting a board, watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and youtube videos titled "how to surf", does not make you a surfer. I paddled out several times trying to catch the perfect wave, this soon became trying to catch any wave. My first day was a failure, but I did learn some lessons and was rearing to go for day two. On the second day I successfully caught some waves while lying down and even almost stood up a couple times. I am confident that if I had a week, or less choppy surf, I would nail it. I may have looked riduculous to some while trying to learn, but without failure there is no success and without trying there is no failure. I took my bumps and had a blast.

In the down time (actually recovery time because my ass was getting kicked), I made my first ever sandcastle.

As you can tell I used Mayan architecture and even put in a garden.

I was happy with my building.

As all good things must come to an end I headed back to civilization and checked my email to find a hire packet from Grand Teton Lodge Company. I guess that means I have a job. Yay Me!!!! I spent some time deliberating and decided I would drop the van in Arizona and hitchhike to Wyoming to save fuel and kill time. They provide me a dorm, so I figure I do not need the van this summer anyway. At the end of summer I would be returning to Arizona to spend my second summer elsewhere anyhow, now I won't have to buy gas twice.  Roadtrip should be nice. I hope that Stumpy and Cindy have time to do something while I am in Arizona.  

I hope everyone is good, I love you all.

Downgrading My T-shirt collection

I have come the realization that I only wear 4 shirts, the same four shirts every week never mixing it up and not wavering. While I do not have a problem with this it brings to light another problem I have, I own 25 T-shirts. Most of them are old and do not even fit any more, I have shed some poundage in the last year, but I have a hard time trying to part with them. They are for all intents and purposes still good just baggy (really baggy). I am clearing all my stuff out of my mothers house and getting ready to hit the road again, so they must go. I lost one storage container for clothes this past winter, that helps in the decision, but still not a fun task. Why are you reading about my t-shirt collection.

I was offered one job this week in Wisconsin, but they want me to work some hours for my site and it puts me really far away from anywhere I want to be. Upon reading another's blog I discovered that Grand Tetons in Wyoming is still hiring and applied there as well after 3 phone interviews, I was tentatively offered a position, as long as my references check out. My fingers are crossed and I hope I get the job and I also hope I do not. You see I long for a return to the west coast and the stealth city life, Dodger dogs and millions of people.

I wish I could focus on a path of action, but right now I am too busy to even write a good blog; I need to get back on the road and have some adventures. Match.com has been a failure on most fronts it seems most ladies do not want to date a homeless guy, big surprise. I am in good spirits, though it seems everyone here in Texas is pulling away from me, my mother, her roommates, my dog, and my best friend all seem to want nothing to do with me, or so it seems. I am in a funk. I re-read the blogs from last year and about the same time I was also in a funk, maybe it has something to do with the month, no fucking clue, some days I just sit and zone out.

That's my week in a nutshell, throwing out shirts, alienating people, and feeling sorry for myself. Lost in thoughts and minuscule worries that I know do not really matter, I can survive as I need to.

I love you all and hope you are doing well.

The Never-ending Cycle of Self Abuse

Well I have been in The United States for a week now, since my untimely dismissal from Mexico. I arrived to my mother's  last Thursday night and was informed that my bedroom was no longer availible, it was rented out. My room is my one other comfort space, other than the van and to find out that it was rented was not the best news, I could have received. Friday morning I had to find a room, so I added some Yucatan flair to the garage.

While I assumed my WWOOFing experience was mostly about partying, it turns out, I actually learned something. I got the whole house to chip and try to help start composting. An old coffee can was placed on the counter and everyone started chipping in. Another surprise was I still had that working spirit and decided to build a composting bin, but with funds short; I had to find wood. Idea!! Help the vacant house behind us by removing its falling fence. I used the fence to build my composting bin and helped the community at the same time (double bonus Karma points), hope the new buyers appreciate the hard work I put in to remove part of their fence.

When the composting bin was finished, my work drive died. I will build some raised beds this week and start planting soon. 

     On Wednesday my new juicer arrived. It works good and is only 400 watts, so I can use it in the van.

 I went to the store and loaded up on greens and fruits. My mother agreed to do a juice fast with me, so as of this writing I am 3 days in without food only some drink I like to affectionately  refer to as "green death" and my body is really starting to hate me. I spent the last 12 weeks trying to destroy it and now I am starving it and feeding it something that looks like Incredible Hulk Urine. I am on the juice. 

In other news, I have been rejected by all the campground management companies; I know of and am in serious doubt of my future. My resume looks  suspect because I have been on the road for 15 months with no steady work history. I could put down a fake business name and have my friend pose as the owner to fill those gaps, but I do not know how I would feel about that. The van has been starting fine and is almost ready for another adventure. I will keep on keeping on, applying for jobs, and not caring too much. I know no matter what, it will work out, but I can not help to wonder where I am going next. I have decided to stay in this Central location (Texas) for another week or so in case I find a Midwest or Northeastern job, but if not I am heading west.

I love you all and hope everyone is well. Drop me a line if your bored, I need some new penpals adowler@gmx.com