The Previously Mentioned : I am so lonely on Christmas blog

                 Maybe I should not be lonely on Christmas, nor do I feel as I am. I am sitting outside the internet cafe in Quartzsite, AZ. as all the ghosts of Christmas past circle their wagons in my head. I never got to spend time making cookies, or decorations as a child, so for the past 3 years I have been trying to overcompensate for Christmas memories I do not have. Christmas' from my childhood are a blur I know I had a lot of toys as a child, but cannot remember Christmas. I do not have the memories I should, no fireplace popping, chestnuts roasting, or cookie baking. I also cannot remember ever wanting anything, but getting lots of things. Since I was about 10 I would go to the store pick out what I wanted and it would be bought and I would get it on Christmas eve, no real suspense.
                  I remember one Christmas when I did not go to the store, I asked my Step-father who I was living with at the time for way too many things (mostly CD's and stuff), and when it came to Christmas I expected one or two of these items, money was tight and this was before internet ordering, he had to find time to call and order items and to go to the store. For as long as I could remember he worked a lot of hours and never had free time, but on Christmas eve I was toughly surprised when he came though with all the things I had asked for. It means more to me now then ever before. I felt so loved, wanted, and he had listened to me.
           This was also the first of many Christmas' without my Mother. In the year previous they had divorced and she moved out and back in again in May and was gone again. I remember the previous Christmas, I was staying with my mom in a small apartment she rented and my step-father came over for Christmas, I was so happy to see them together ( I still had hope then). I thought we would have a good time, my best (and worst) memories from childhood are of those 4 years they were together, my mom may not have done a lot of things right, but she did find a man I could call "Dad", and I still do to this day. The pain of having a home and family, then watching it tear itself apart in an ugly way was still fresh in my heart; so when we gathered together that Christmas eve day, I was so happy and filled with optimism that may family would be put back together again. Instead they sat me in a chair my dad on the right, my mom on the left and told me my grandmother had died. Pain and distrust filled my heart that day, it was the first time I had to deal with death, this was not the Christmas I wanted. My dad hugged me and went home without me and my mother.

     When Christmas came a year later and I got everything I wanted, it renewed hope a little in my heart. This was the last Christmas my dad and I would spend together for several years, however. Later that year my dad asked me to move out because I had gotten in trouble at school and he was too busy to try to help, instead I was kicked to the curb and relocated in with my grandparents. Christmas' came and went and I started working on the holidays to avoid painful memories. My grandparents did a good job trying to make me happy, but by that time I could find no joy in life. I wanted nothing more, my family was destroyed, hope gone, and all I wanted was love, they gave me plenty, but not enough to repair. I remember there were still decorations in the house when my Grandfather died and I selfishly came home kissed my grandmother and moved out, leaving her alone in her time of need, history repeats itself.

Christmas today, I find myself wanting to experience joy. I am still that 11 year old boy trying to make everything perfect so his family will be happy and repair itself, that Christmas magic bullshit you see in movies. I have done that for the last 3 years with my mother and grandmother, maybe it good for me not to try this year and just take a step-back. So I am not lonely Christmas.

I love all of you out there, that took the time out of their celebrations to read this and comment. I have never shared these stories or feelings with anyone.  Merry Christmas. I  promise I will get back to the fun Drifter debauchery blogs soon.

It is coming to the point of being uncomfortable

It seems as though things are progressing well here in Quartzsite, the paychecks clear, the hours hit 40, and there is still nothing to occupy my time (or money). I got switched to morning shifts which has good points and bad points; good points being it is busier, so less boredom and I am off in time to where my girlfriend's freetime and mine match well, so we can communicate with each other. The bad point is I have to wake up early, which is not so bad because I do not sleep all that much anyway. I have been running into some issues at work lately the "lead cook" and "kitchen manager" seem to be on very different pages it makes it rather uncomfortable for me because I have been doing things one way when one is there and another when the other is there. Learning to do things 2 ways, sucks, but I just do not care enough. My basic attitude is I just work here and do what I am told. I am trying not to take sides but one is the boss gives directions and the other thinks He is, so this leads to us on the day shift doing everything for the night shift to ensure things are done a certain way. Eventually this whole thing is going blow up and collapse and I will most likely end up back on night shift, but until then I am just trying to stay neutral. I have 62 days left here in QZ and do not really give a shit if the whole place implodes when I leave. When I leave here I am going to Bulgaria for a visit with my girl before deciding what to do with next year. This last year was pretty great and involved some great adventures I am hoping to spend more time in other parts of the world, perpetuating the American stereotypes and trying not to end up on "locked up Abroad" or maybe I should be trying to. Stay tuned for a I am so lonely on Christmas blog and a What the fuck happened this year blog.

Running Low on Excitement Juice.

I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.

Running Low on Excitement Juice.

I have been in Quartzsite a month now and still have yet to do anything of merit. I have not yet met anyone I wish to spend time discussing things with and have not really found a reason too. I spend my days off reading or watching movies and I work a weird mid dinner schedule (11-7) so on my work days I really cannot do much. I am missing familiar conversations, yet even at work my head is elsewhere, I do know if this will change. I am here to kill time and make money before heading to Europe in February. Unfortunately my body got the memo but my head left months ago. I may even be spaced out most the time. I have found myself looking at ways to better fill my time I am currently leaning towards online classes, maybe one day I will need more degrees. I do not know.

The Feeling of Being Needed, Letting Guilt In

Today marks a first for me. To say in my entire life I have put work above all else is an understatement  those who have seen me work know that I have a dedication and am fiercely loyal. For years I have worked countless 70 plus hour weeks and destroyed relationships with family and friends in the process. When I get a job I feel it is my place to do whats right for the company and will push everything else away to get the job done.

Yesterday on my day off, I was called in to work for a sick employee, now usually I do not mind working an extra day because I do not have much going in my life. This was a massive inconvenience though as I am in a long distance relationship with an amazing girl, and between work schedules and time zones we seldom get to talk for long periods, this is where my days off come in. Today, however is the day before Thanksgiving here in the United States and my Grandmother is driving 3 hours to have a meal with me because I work tomorrow. This will be the first time we have done thanksgiving together in 4 years, but the other worker is still sick and I am needed. I could call my Grandmother, have her turn around, and she would understand, as I have done this to many times to count. She has been on the receiving end of my overworking not caring enough for my family needs far too many times. I want us to have fun and enjoy Thanksgiving, even if it is in a restaurant and for a short time a day early. She was watched me work every holiday we had since I was 15 years old, pushing the family aside.

This brings us to a new first in my life, I put family first said enough I will not work. I am overcome with guilt however for letting the company down and not dropping everything to go in, but I am standing my ground. I hope I do not change my mind. Guilt is a powerful motivator.

Exposing Ones Self

This is 100th post I suppose that is milestone, but it should be more by now.

I got back on the road and am camped out in Quartzsite, AZ. Quartzsite is a desert destination for RVers and retirees to keep warm in the winter, I like to refer to it as "senior spring break" every season thousands converge here to mingle, shop and eat. I found a job cooking at little cafe and while it is slow, life is seemingly enjoyable.

Now to the blog title. Exposing ones self, I live in a very protected bubble and very seldom, if ever, will I let anyone in.  If you let someone inside your world then they know your weaknesses and can hurt you more. I am writing terribly tonight.

This blog is my true exposure to the world, I put myself out there every time I write, if you took the time to go though the entire thing, you would have a rather vivid portrait of me. In summary, I am a hard partier, who just wants to be loved, at the same time while holding contempt for society at large and most people in general. A  loner not by choice, but because he is afraid to let people in. I cry myself to sleep more nights than I laugh myself to sleep. My pain will not leave although I have forgiven all those who have hurt me. I make bad choices and am mean to many people in an effort to push the closest away before they get a chance to reject and hurt me. I fight a daily battle with myself to try to find it in me to trust someone completely  again.

I am stuck in perpetual childhood, and can not find a way to make healthy adult relationships. I am trying everyday to be a better person. I will fall on the sword for any and everyone for no reason whatsoever, I am guilty for everything that is wrong with you and me. Everything is my fault. I feel eternal guilt for so much of the bad things I have done in this world, and am constantly looking for redemption. Will I ever allow my self to be absolved. Some one told me that I am a book of self fulfilling prophecies, in other words I say a bad thing will happen and then I make sure it does. Deep down I am a scared little boy. Full of fear and praying to make a friend, but everytime I do fear and jealousy destroy it.

Please do not read too much into this entry, I am just typing to type. Or am I?

No, I am not dead, Time to write something new.

This first excerpt is something I wrote on September 8, 2012, I could not post then because of lack of internet, motivation, and other things. I have been reading it daily and trying to put life in perspective  it pretty sums up my summer experience:

"31 days ago was my 31st birthday and after a wild party I no longer had the desire to drink, now my room is still filled with bottles and I know this will not last because who is David Drifter without the party. I have been spending my summer working in Grand Tetons national Park. I am cooking in the restaurant and working about 70 hours a week I found a beautiful girl to spend my free time with, although we only have a short time left together every minute is worth it. This summer has been real eye opening to me after being away from social structures and people for so long it has been a unique adjustment period. I have made friends and watched them leave over and over. I still am not sure weather the pain is worth it; I find myself sad sometimes as my friends head home, go to jail, or get fired. I have had more girlfriends and relationships in the last for months than I have had in the last 6 years. I traded a surefire girl that I know I could spend the rest of my life with for a 40 day fling with a finite ending, I still cannot figure out why, but in my sobriety it seemed to make sense."


       I have contemplated alot about including that last part about the surefire girl, but decided to keep it. It is weird the things we think in our drunken days, what seems like a perfect idea seems to fade as the days go on. The surefire girl was like this, when I was intoxicated it was nice to have her, but as soon as I cleaned up, I saw things and darknesses in her I had not seen before and as more time has past since our break up, which I was not very good at and she has every right to be bitter, I realize this was not where I wanted to spend my life.

As for the girl with the finite end that end has yet to come, we are trying a long distance thing and it seems good, I am very lucky to have a girl like her, she is so different from everyone I have ever met. She is wonderful and just seems to reinforce my ideals that I am a lucky man and lead a great life.

The sobriety he is still here as a passenger on my crazy train, he has yet to jump off this time and I think he has made himself at home. At least for a while.

I have spent the last three weeks redoing the van and am planning on heading to Quartzsite, I am hoping to find work in one of the restaurants there for the season, but as with any move nervousness is starting to sink in. I just have to keep my head down and go full throttle.

To be continued.......................

Lost in Translation

It has been 6 weeks since, I got here and now my natural urge for a change of pace is starting to emerge. It has been a while since I have been in one place this long especially with the same large group of people. It seems as though I am running out of things to do, I have been Kayaking every other day and yesterday I took an adventure to Yellowstone to see old faithful, some hot springs and mud pots. Yellowstone is an interesting place it seems to be a tad bit dangerous for families to flock to, I mean the whole area is an active volcano where people gather to see Mother Nature in all her bitchiness. Thats it for today.

Re-evaluations

It seems, the more time I spend in an organized societal structure, the more time I begin to doubt my ideals. The ideas I have of a community and building an earth-ship seem more distant than ever. I find myself starting to develop relationships and plans for the future that stray away. Did I just waste the last 18 months of learning and planning to just go back to the world I left behind?? I have no idea or plans past today anymore, I spend time kayaking and hanging out with friends I can not seem to remember anything I wanted before I got here. I am even starting to believe money can be a real concept. I think I am losing idenity and falling into a mold. Who am I crosses my mind daily, while I am starting to think of people as my playthings not my fellow humans and I am also starting to hold some resentments, I think I need a vacation from my vacation, the societal drama is starting to take its toll on me.

Coping with Mortality

In the recent days, I have been living a sober life fighting the desire to drink with the masses here and Though I am clean I am far from healthy. Being in this employee village is hard for numerous reasons; I am stuck night shift therefore I miss all organized activities I spend my nights with the same people I see all night and although there are some 70+ people here I feel isolated just seeing people in passing, never getting to know anyone truly. Yesterday, a girl was intoxicated and confided in me, it seemed as though it was the first time someone had told me something personal in over 5 years, but it doesn't count. Even when I was sober and healthy I had trouble making friends at my advanced age. I do not have any true friends no one to confide in when I am sad or unhappy.  I spend most of my free time with international students where there is huge language barrier, looking at this I see it is a defense mechanism, its not that I do not want to get close to someone, its that I no longer know how. I am very trusting, loving, helpful and easy-going, but that does not seem to be enough.  With the lack of alcohol, I find myself lonely and isolated. When I was a lunitic, I had friends and now I just do not know what will become of my life. I still have no fear, but feel as though I am being forced to be a part of a community then pushed to the outside. My empty and meaningless life is coming to the surface and I do not know what is going on. Maybe I am scared of what lives beneath the surface of my happy and carefree lifestyle, the man I was in true society when I tried to socialize, the violent and resentful mindfucker and I start to think it might be easier to pull away or even hook up my wagons and head home, back to my anonymous lifestyle where I do not have to be a part of anything, and can just curl up into a ball and fade away. So instead of playing pool in the rec hall I choose to come to my lonely shared room and type to nobody.

I am truly sorry to you readers out there I am not in a good way as of late, the days start good with some kayaking at nearby Colter Bay, but soon the party ends and work, reality and mortality must be faced.

I love you all, and hope to one day return to the exciting adventourous blogs, I used to turn out, but unfornutley my life is kinda boring right now. Sorry guys. Adios and good day.

Same Battle, New Battlefield

I arrived in Jackson, WY on May 14th and started a new position with the Flagg Ranch Company, I am working in the kitchen as a cook.  It is interesting to say the least, the job is the same as every  other cooking job, so I will not go into the details. The best part of living here is meeting  the International students  there are a bunch of kids here from Bulgaria and a few from Russia, they
are fun to hang out with and as most of you know, I love foreigners.

The worst part of being here is that my daily battles are returning, I find myself consuming mass quantities and waking up in different rooms. the struggle is here and it seems as though I am surrounded by a fair amount of persons with the same issues, lost in the woods without communication with no recourse but to drink.

I am sick and tired of being sick tired as the cliche goes, the constant shaky mornings, and endless nights. Cloudy days and darker nights. I am starting to wonder if this will end well, it can't possibly, but I am far from bottom just teetering on the edge of sanity. Currently, I am trying to find a more constructive way to spend my time, but most of my days without drinking just feel empty as usual, I have met some great people, and hope to make real connections, but the only people I really like to talk to  do not quite understand English and the others see me as I am/was my first impression seems to have made an imprint and now as I try to clean out, I find it difficult as drink are constantly handed to me. This battle I will win and I will return to center. Sorry , for being such a downer, but only the dark times have been burnt into my memory.

I love you all.

Faith and Failure

DISCLAIMER: I am copying these down exactly as written, most of this I do not remember writing and it also has religious discussion, so disregard if that bothers you. I am waiting for the atheist and christian right hate mail.


Day 1

I was offered a ride from Kingman, Az to the us 93 and after a 3 miles, I departed the vehicle and started walking. Two miles later I was picked up by a veteran named John who was in Vegas to visit his incarcerated wife. He lives in Idaho, now while it would have been easy on me to accept his ride to Idaho, I instead choose to part ways in Alamo, NV. Although I could have sat and discussed sleep cycles, free market economy, and the political bullshit of the justice system. For the next 10 hours or so.
       From this point I walked 7 miles or so to the next town "Ash Springs". Where upon arriving I was run out of town, so to speak. A nice older gentleman explained to where the BLM land was next to the "world famous" Ash Springs.

 As the day is closing I am at a small lagoon watching a family swim, writing this about to set up my tent. I am physically exhausted and emotionally spent. I have been here before. My destination seems further away then when I started. All is in doubt.

Day 2

Last night was amazing. I slept in the desert under the stars,and woke to the beauty of the daybreak. It is amazing this world!!! Late last night I had an in depth conversation with myself; trying to understand and comprehend, how our brains know what to do? How does life know how to exist and be "life"? I mean really how does it know? It just made me reconfirm my faith in a higher power, something had to create the wiring to know all this. I honestly believe in 200 years when machines take over they will wonder the same thing. They will forget the humans that created them, the humans whom they slowly replaced and exterminated.
I am not a religious zealot, by any means. I just accept the fact that life, the actual being that is life, is amazing. I also accept that humans are not the end all be all, I also accept most of the teachings of the bible because without the moral lessons contained within we (humans) would have killed each other off long ago. I also agree with the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth because he taught love, acceptance, and forgiveness.
Although in general, I do belive that organized worship much like organized patriotism is controllist bullshit. It is up to the individual to choose how they believe and practice.

Day 2 began, not just like any other day. I packed up my tent/gear and  walked over to the Ash Springs. Several people were there, I was friendly to all and talked to a couple. I proceeded to head North on the highway, soon after my start I was pulled over, well not really pulled over because I was already on the side of the road, so I guess I was stopped, by a nice Nevada Highway Patrolman. A short discussion in-sued and I was on my way. I walked about 4 miles and decided to stop, I have an inability to sit still and kept walking. I did sit for a few hours trying to get another ride, this was a failure. After about 7 miles of walking and 5 hours of sitting, I gave up, now I know I am a failure in this mission, but I learned valuable lessons for next time.
          I walked 7 miles back to The gas station in Ash Springs and the first person I spoke to, took me back to my van. I have been resting for a couple days and the soreness is gone. I will be leaving again soon. It is weird how soon we forget, this morning I woke up and almost start walking North again, after 2 days in bed trying to regain feeling in my legs.


Oh well Love you all. Thanks for reading??

Challenge Accepted

If I have learned anything about myself in this lifetime, it is that I like to push myself to my mental, emotional, and physical limits. To most this seems reckless, but to me it is more about finding my breaking point. I belive Einstein said it best with "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one", and to myself I want to find the limits of my reality and push myself into a void and darkened realm. How best do you understand insanity, if you have not been insane? Can you really understand what it is to love, without first experiencing true loss?? How can you know what your limits are if you have not pushed against them? With this I have decided once again to challenge/torture myself.




The challenge is to get from Kingman, AZ to my work location in Moran, Wy in 12 days. Seems rather easy, right?




Here are the parameters which I am holding myself to:




1). No public/payed transportation

2). I will have only $20 dollars

3). No purchasing food

4). No asking for anything other than directions

5). No accepting rides over 30 miles

6). No hotels, or motels

7). Only thing that can be purchased is water.

8). No Interstates

9). Must accept all offered things, with the exception of rule 5




This doesn't seems so hard, but we will see. I am taking a pen and paper and will try update this blog as often as I can if not, I will put together an essay when I get where I am going. I leave next Tuesday, Love you all.

This Is Where I

This is where I would normally feel sorry for myself and write a sad blog. Today has been an off day, well everyday is an off day.  Living this empty lifestyle is starting to wear me down, I have my typical list of grievances with life, no emotional connection to anyone and no friends whatsoever. Instead of dwelling on that I am choosing to try to figure out how I got here. I currently live my life in such a state as to not dwell on the past and not think about the future. For some reason my earlier  life was full of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, fear of strangers and fear of dying alone. I am to assume most of these fears have a great bearing on how I live my life now. I never made any new friends after high school and as my partying got worse most of my friends went away to jobs and relationships, as I moved across the country. I am still here stunted in my adolescence. I am still learning to overcome my fears, but as I spend more time away from society I see more of them reappearing, I am no longer scared to try new things, I could care less if people leave me, I get rejected daily for the most part, and yearn for intimacy.  I recently returned to America from an extended trip in Mexico where because of language barriers I never interacted with anyone. I am back in the states now and I find it hard to talk to people, I am nervous and scared. I have lost my last remaining friends recently due to my own selfishness and hard living lifestyle. I would love to be able to take the time to try to fix these broken bonds, but truth be told I will more than likely never see any of them again, I have moved away. I still have a huge fear of dying alone, which prays on me everyday, I do not have anyone left to discuss my fears and thoughts with, so I type them in this blog. It provides some minor relief to the numbing pain of my loneliness. Without even trying I know that my next year holds an endless stream of temporary friendships and get to know you chat, but nothing of value will come from them. I am looking to get off the road by the end of 2012 and start up a life somewhere new and that scares me a fair amount because at my age where does one meet new people??  I just had to type something to get out of this funk. I do not know why i am so full of fear, but it is eating from the inside out most days. I know in my heart life will continue to be great and I am fortunate to have the few families members I have.

In other news moved from Texas to Arizona to store my van, plan on going to Wyoming on foot, and doing a ton of research on earthbag and rammed earth dwellings. I would love to type some exhilarating story of fun and adventure to entertain you, but I do not have it in me.

I LOVE EVERYONE OF YOU and Hope you appreciate every friend you have because your truly blessed.

David Drifter

Its a Blessing and a Curse

This week I took some much needed travel time and went to the beach in Port Aransas. Upon arriving I quickly rented a surfboard and headed out to the shore which would become my home for the next few days.

The van the way it was meant to be.

I quickly learned  that renting a board, watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and youtube videos titled "how to surf", does not make you a surfer. I paddled out several times trying to catch the perfect wave, this soon became trying to catch any wave. My first day was a failure, but I did learn some lessons and was rearing to go for day two. On the second day I successfully caught some waves while lying down and even almost stood up a couple times. I am confident that if I had a week, or less choppy surf, I would nail it. I may have looked riduculous to some while trying to learn, but without failure there is no success and without trying there is no failure. I took my bumps and had a blast.

In the down time (actually recovery time because my ass was getting kicked), I made my first ever sandcastle.

As you can tell I used Mayan architecture and even put in a garden.

I was happy with my building.

As all good things must come to an end I headed back to civilization and checked my email to find a hire packet from Grand Teton Lodge Company. I guess that means I have a job. Yay Me!!!! I spent some time deliberating and decided I would drop the van in Arizona and hitchhike to Wyoming to save fuel and kill time. They provide me a dorm, so I figure I do not need the van this summer anyway. At the end of summer I would be returning to Arizona to spend my second summer elsewhere anyhow, now I won't have to buy gas twice.  Roadtrip should be nice. I hope that Stumpy and Cindy have time to do something while I am in Arizona.  

I hope everyone is good, I love you all.

Downgrading My T-shirt collection

I have come the realization that I only wear 4 shirts, the same four shirts every week never mixing it up and not wavering. While I do not have a problem with this it brings to light another problem I have, I own 25 T-shirts. Most of them are old and do not even fit any more, I have shed some poundage in the last year, but I have a hard time trying to part with them. They are for all intents and purposes still good just baggy (really baggy). I am clearing all my stuff out of my mothers house and getting ready to hit the road again, so they must go. I lost one storage container for clothes this past winter, that helps in the decision, but still not a fun task. Why are you reading about my t-shirt collection.

I was offered one job this week in Wisconsin, but they want me to work some hours for my site and it puts me really far away from anywhere I want to be. Upon reading another's blog I discovered that Grand Tetons in Wyoming is still hiring and applied there as well after 3 phone interviews, I was tentatively offered a position, as long as my references check out. My fingers are crossed and I hope I get the job and I also hope I do not. You see I long for a return to the west coast and the stealth city life, Dodger dogs and millions of people.

I wish I could focus on a path of action, but right now I am too busy to even write a good blog; I need to get back on the road and have some adventures. Match.com has been a failure on most fronts it seems most ladies do not want to date a homeless guy, big surprise. I am in good spirits, though it seems everyone here in Texas is pulling away from me, my mother, her roommates, my dog, and my best friend all seem to want nothing to do with me, or so it seems. I am in a funk. I re-read the blogs from last year and about the same time I was also in a funk, maybe it has something to do with the month, no fucking clue, some days I just sit and zone out.

That's my week in a nutshell, throwing out shirts, alienating people, and feeling sorry for myself. Lost in thoughts and minuscule worries that I know do not really matter, I can survive as I need to.

I love you all and hope you are doing well.

The Never-ending Cycle of Self Abuse

Well I have been in The United States for a week now, since my untimely dismissal from Mexico. I arrived to my mother's  last Thursday night and was informed that my bedroom was no longer availible, it was rented out. My room is my one other comfort space, other than the van and to find out that it was rented was not the best news, I could have received. Friday morning I had to find a room, so I added some Yucatan flair to the garage.

While I assumed my WWOOFing experience was mostly about partying, it turns out, I actually learned something. I got the whole house to chip and try to help start composting. An old coffee can was placed on the counter and everyone started chipping in. Another surprise was I still had that working spirit and decided to build a composting bin, but with funds short; I had to find wood. Idea!! Help the vacant house behind us by removing its falling fence. I used the fence to build my composting bin and helped the community at the same time (double bonus Karma points), hope the new buyers appreciate the hard work I put in to remove part of their fence.

When the composting bin was finished, my work drive died. I will build some raised beds this week and start planting soon. 

     On Wednesday my new juicer arrived. It works good and is only 400 watts, so I can use it in the van.

 I went to the store and loaded up on greens and fruits. My mother agreed to do a juice fast with me, so as of this writing I am 3 days in without food only some drink I like to affectionately  refer to as "green death" and my body is really starting to hate me. I spent the last 12 weeks trying to destroy it and now I am starving it and feeding it something that looks like Incredible Hulk Urine. I am on the juice. 

In other news, I have been rejected by all the campground management companies; I know of and am in serious doubt of my future. My resume looks  suspect because I have been on the road for 15 months with no steady work history. I could put down a fake business name and have my friend pose as the owner to fill those gaps, but I do not know how I would feel about that. The van has been starting fine and is almost ready for another adventure. I will keep on keeping on, applying for jobs, and not caring too much. I know no matter what, it will work out, but I can not help to wonder where I am going next. I have decided to stay in this Central location (Texas) for another week or so in case I find a Midwest or Northeastern job, but if not I am heading west.

I love you all and hope everyone is well. Drop me a line if your bored, I need some new penpals adowler@gmx.com

The Last Days of Drifter (photoblog)

Time for some photos of my last days.

This is the archaeological site Tulum In Tulum, it backs right up to the Beach.

 It is thought to have been a Major port city for the Mayans.

Needless to say, it was breathtakingly amazing.

On my last day in Solferino we headed on an Island tour.

Cata was excited.

So where the housemates, these are the previously mentioned

"French" girls who later in the day stole my epic beard.

                                           

The sun was shining. 

This was the first stop, I jumped off the tower on the left, the water 

was warm and also about 30inches deep.

I even got to drive most of the second leg.

 Just some pictures I forgot to post.

Stay Tuned for the next blog about my return to the states and search for 

My Adrian.

This is a week late, but I had no access

Why are girls so much smarter than Boys ( long story)

To explain the title we will start like this, 2 girls arrived on the farm this week, so it is me and the 2 of them as volunteers. From the start of the first day something seemed off with them, they appeared unmotivated and lazy, but ok, after lunch they headed back to their room job unfinished. I thought, it is the first day, they are tired no big deal, but when a pattern began to emerge I figured it out, they are girls nobody wants to tell them what to do. Just as I figured girls are smatter than boys these girls discovered a way to get the same food and room as I with less work, WTF. I have been resentfull these last couple days becuase the true flaw with Communism is one guy works 10 hours a day and the others do 5. The 10 hours guy gets upset and either starts a coup or a revolution. As I type this I have come to grips with my resentment and decided all is well; prehaps it is because i want to belive communism can work or they cast thier spell on me as well or because I am a push over and persons take advantage of that fact and I am too easy going and forgiving, but what i am going to do.

That is my week in a nutshell, feeling overworked and under appriciated, but it is cool because now I am drunk and happy. I think my facist leader knows to keep the hard workers over sedated, but it works for me.

I also have lost my glasses and my debit card, so I have no money, no eyes, and no clue as to what is going on.

I have also began to doubt my life choices because a week with no one who speaks the same language as you leaves you alot of time to think. I joined another dating website inhope to find the "one" . I know I started backwards by hitting the road first and then looking for the one, but that is my life. Who wants to date a homeless idealist who want to save the world??? Maybe someone I know one person I would like a date with, but do not know if we will meet before she finds her "one" she is truly awesome and I am getting a little creepster, so I will stop here.

Anyway my drunken ramblings will have to suffice for now. I really love you all

Then I drank more and typed this., Then I let one one the french girls shave my epic beard.

As my Solferino adventure comes to an end I wonder if I learned anything at all other than how to get blackout drunk and open a beer properly? While my expeirences in Mexico have been short and I have yet to get a true grasp on the language, if I head out today looking back I will have regrets but can I do it again, or do I head into the real world with a fucking goal and not just a dream. While fullfilling that goal am I bound to forget about my other dreams as the reality of starting my own community becomes real, I do not know that I will ever be able to get away again I could become so consumed with the idealisism of my own community and engulfed in the work that I just become a byproduct of the system and yes it will still be on my own terms, but it is still falling into the system that scares me, working everyday just like they want you to. "They" that is an interesting word in and of itself "they" it seems as though they have been the enemy since day one. "They want me to go to bed early", "They want me to do this", "they said no" , fuck "they" control everything. I wish i could escape "they", but they are everywhere. I cannot get away from them. I am so lost in this world and wish to getlost more and fear has snuck into my life. fear of poverty, fear of hunger I cannot go on this cycle of fear today i need to find my balance

I had a good story to tell, but oh well

Today is a day, in which I have decided to end my Mexican adventure. Last week in Tulum I lost my debit card and do not have another way to receive cash (Mexico is a cash only land), other than having someone western union me every time and that is not really an option, so without further delay I head back to the US. It took me a week of thinking to come to this and even now I am not sure. I have been living recklessly for the past 5 weeks and between the bugs, drugs, and work my body is ravished with cuts and scrapes I have a bruises both inside and out. Even as I type this I am covering a 3 inch scrape on my forehead from a poorly planned jump off an observation tower into less than 2 feet of water. The moment my head hit the ground my mind became clear and most likely concussed. What ever it was that was in my system is out, I can not keep living like this right now. I still do not want to head home, but without other options, I will. Maybe if I had a better grasp of the language I could keep going as a drifter living off coconuts with a hand out, but I know now what I want, a better life. Living in reckless abandon getting molested by strangers and going full bore into life is great, but at the end of the day my life is at best empty and void of meaning. I have said before and will repeat it again, I want more from this life, I really would like a partner to share this adventure with and while it would be nice if it was a romantic partner, I am now starting to think any partner would be great. I want to once again as I did when I was younger look at someone in the morning and go, "remember last year when we did that crazy shit". Maybe its time for the drifter to head in from the cold. As my new online dating profile title reads "this stray dog needs a forever home"

I love you guys take care.

Embracing the Hangover

I never liked the term hangover, I think it has negative connotations attached, the word “hang” has a checkered history at best. I prefer carryover because your buzz from last night is carrying over into the next day, it is not a bad thing but a good thing you are starting the day with a buzz so no need to buy that first round in the morning.

I woke up this morning in Tulum with a grapefruit growing out of my head and a sore back. I suppose you would like to know how that is accomplished. Well lets bring everyone up to speed, last weekend in Solferino I slaughted a goat, ate the goat, and Frances and I were joined by several folks; Greg and Dana are a nice French/canadaian  couple who showed up, and stayed the week. They were very nice Greg and I played basketball with the other wwoofers drank beer and chilled. The Knicks, as I will affectionately refer to him from here on out, is a young college student from NorCal who is also a talented musician if you have time check out his page. Nonetheless everyone left or planned to leave yesterday, The knicks hung around and took a ride to Tulum with myself and my wwofing host, who I will refer to from here on out as my Yucatan attorney. My attorney had us make some creative wood scupltupse and tables all week and is planning to sell them in Tulum This weekend, so that is how we got to Tulum. The goal of last night was to attend a reggae concert on the beach, this turned out to be a bust, but I did get good and trashed early and my attorney met some friends and we headed to there house for fire and beach fun. Somewhere along the line I decided to go swimming. While this sounds like a good idea, it was not. The beach at the house was covered in these massive boulders that in my condition were very hard to surpass, I got out my climbing gear and made it to the water, but I did not want to unload my pockets, so instead I swam all naturale. I found my pants and tried to get off of the beach as my attorney and The Knicks guided me there were several headers taken in to various rocks for some reason I do not think they liked the idea of me swimming in thier beach. They did there best to thoughly whip my ass, and this morning I am well away that I was in a fight that I could not have possibly won. I am currently sitting at a hostel with a bit of carry over and bruises wearing a sheet as a dress, but that is a story for another time.

Futbol, Kidnappings, Forced Intoxication, and Underage Girls

I moved out of Guadalajara earlier this week and flew to Cancun, it was a good flight with little trouble.I arrived to my new farm Friday afternoon, it has a good feel to it. As I arrived there was no one home, so I took some time to investigate. It seems after scanning the place, finding a couple roaches (the good kind), piles of stems and seeds and a steady amount of  beer bottles, that this is the place for me. The farm house is like the world's largest tree house/palapa, four stories in all, and I sleep in a hammocka.  As many of you know this weekend is Carnival or Mardi Gras in the states,  so everyone left the farm and went to the nearby Isla de Holbox for celebrations. There was one other WWoofer at the house when I arrived, he is French, so for the remainder of this story we will call him Francis.

On Saturday morning I woke up in the treehouse, made breakfast, and then Francis and I headed to Holbox for some Drifter style debauchery. I should have warned him because I do not think he was prepared for me. The trip started after we exited the bus and instead of taking the ferry, I found I guy in a small boat with big engines to take us to la isla. This ride was not for the weak of heart, very choppy, high flying, just awesomeness; I have some friends in the states that would have been vomiting badly, it is a good thing I don't get sick.

The entire island looks like a Corona commercial, so we commence to drinking a few beers. With a few beers in; I decided to rent a golf cart (the main form on transportation on the island) because it was getting progressively harder to walk. I got the cart for 2 hours because I figured I had about two hours of acceptable decision making  and motor skills left. I was right, after a bottle of Tequila, a long drive on the beach, capped off with a joint and swim, we returned to the city. Right outside the rental place was a small restaurant with the most awesome empanadas, and a kid playing NFL Football on playstation. The kid and I discussed football and futbol after we left to get another beer. While walking down the beach the aforementioned kid and his friends were starting a pick game of futbol. Francis and I joined in, now I am no athlete anymore but I tried hard. Our team lost badly, but I did manage to score 2 goals and make one stop as goal tender (nevermind those 3 goals that got past me). 

Rest and recuperation was needed so we went to our hostel to relax, being cheap I rented only a hammocka for the night. After a shower and a nap we headed back out. We got downtown and bought a beer, not more then 3 minutes later some teenagers pulled up in a golf cart, and told us to get in "we wanna to get fucked up" they exclaimed in english. I jumped on immediately and Francis cautiously followed. I was hoping that this would be fun and not some trick where you lead a tourist out to harvest his organs and rape his skull, but on the back of a golf cart at 7 mph, I had no escape. We got to their hotel which was very far away,  after the initial, how  do we get back, and what did I get myself into paranoia subsided, I was handed a cup to fill with ice, Bacardi and Coke. There was something wrong with this party it was all dudes, but I heard in the distance girls screaming and loud music. I got out my bloodhound senses and found the party, I was greeted warmly and danced with a bunch of girls as my hat was passed around and my  beard tugged. Soon everyone was pouring shots down my throat, I am not quite sure why but they were free and the girls pretty. 

Then the police arrived, it seems as though they have there own bloodhound senses and can find a party as well. I was then made aware that the girls were not of age and it was suggested to me to leave. I poured a drink for the road and the guys who kidnapped us, drove us to town. I do not remember much after that, other than Francis exited to cart downtown and I stayed on. This morning I woke in my hostel and hammock, with no bruises and all my organs.  Now all this was in Spanish which I do not speak. 

I am alive and safe and glad to be here I do not know what the day holds for me,but I am sure there will be some more hard partying tales to come, like the time I got robbed by the police, while trying to walk to the store in Guadalajara.

Tequila Tour (Photoblog)

Yesterday I took the Famous Tequila Tour in Tequila it included 3 distilleries and alot of sampling. Here is a photoblog about it.

Blue Agave Fields

Blue Agave Cactus where Tequila comes from

The Don Roberto Distillery statue show a Jimador getting the pina  de agave 

The First distillery

after the agave is "juiced" it goes into these fermentation tanks

Then it is cooked/distilled to get the most alcohol out, they let us drink the 110 proof stuff before they added 

water

All non Blanco tequilas go into these barrels to age

Thats alot of bottles

and these too.

 A view of Tequila Valley. I think they just like to get people drunk, then go climbing.

The Jose Cuervo Distillery

This photo shows how the gods struck the agave with lightning thus creating Tequila "the nectar of the gods"

 

Main Church of the town of Tequila

The third distillery more shots for the tasting

Disney Approved

Drifter out of the cage

Well today I left my first stop as a wwoofer and moved into a Hostel in Guadalajara. While am happy to be in a place where I can be myself, you know a loud, brash, drunken druggie, I was a little sad to be leaving the place I was staying. The place really opened up in the last few days with the arrival of 3 more people, and while I saw how differently they were treated, I was still happy. I guess its because the people I was staying with seemed to come out of their shells as more Krishnas showed up. There was chanting and music it was nice to be in a spiritual environment again, even if I do not agree with some of the principles because after all some belief is better than no belief. I am in the city now plan on doing a Tequila tour tommorrow and wresting on Tuesday, but first I am going to smoke, cuss, eat meat, and drink the rainy ass night away. Maybe I can find some drugs as well. Speaking of "drugs", I have been looking at property in Northern Arizona thinking about strarting my homestead soon, like April. Setup the fifth wheel, add a couple windmills and panels, and build a grow room, subsist on helping cancer patients and maybe 20 hours a week at the home depot (need the discount) in Kingman. I hope you guys are having a good time hope My Pals at freecampsites.net are good, visit their site.
It should be a busy week full of Drifter debauchery. Love you all.

Inappropriate Touching and The Lost Ones

I wish I could be one of those bloggers who lead off with a quote that offers a summary of discussion to come, but I am just not that. Instead I throw my best one liner up on the title bar to see what sticks.

I got lost in thought yesterday and quickly became sad. I was thinking about some people from high school that I lost touch with. Not the ones who stopped speaking to me because I covered the bridge in booze and burnt it down, but the others, the few that I connected with for a short time then our lifestyles drug us other ways. As a broken person I have had  always a tendency to attract other broken people and while I went on to my own life of excess, I would like to know where the others like me went. Those lost souls who should have burned along with me, did they ever get help, did they crash as hard as I, did they lose the battle, or are they still out there lost. I suppose what brings this up is through the power of social networking; I was located by one of these people, who meant alot to me and through some small discussions we seem to have more in common then the people I considered friends. I wish I could connect to these people and see what paths their lives took, maybe they are tribe members I lost,  maybe I was the only one who knocked on deaths door, while living under the freeway, or maybe its just better to leave well enough alone.

On to brighter subject yesterday was the Super Bowl. While this game is big in the United States, it is not very popular here in Mexico. I got off work and headed to town in search of some football and beer, as I walked along the road, I found a spot to sit out the bus. While seated an older gentleman doing the Corona Cha-Cha, strolled over to me. With my limited knowledge of the language I smiled and agreed with everything he said, and soon he gave me his beer. At this point I had been waiting over an hour for the bus and was about to head home, when this gentleman lead me from the bus stop to his house some 25 feet away, I assumed he was being hospitable and was gonna offer me more beer or some drugs. Once inside his house we shared a hug and I took a seat. That is when something out of place happened. The gentleman started rubbing my shoulders and grabbed my mini-drifter, now it has been a long time since someone has touched me there, so at first I was about to go ahead and go with it, its been a long time. Then I got to thinking, wait do I want this guy to be the last experience I have? What if I don't get some for like another 5 years, I will always be seeing that cowboy hat on my stomach when I take care of myself. I politely  stood up, with my legs, and headed for the door, "adios" I said, and the bus arrived. I went to town and drank some beers and watched the game, even attempted to talk to some girls, I was after all already warmed up. I failed and returned to the house. Remember if a strange drunk man  tries to get you into his house its, probably not for drugs. Do not go home with strange drunk guys, Other than me. I Love You all.

"Your Title Here"

I am really just writing because I need an update and almost all the other bloggers I follow seemed to post today, so stop reading now cause its about to get boring.

For Some Reason I took a B&W picture of a Rainbow 

Anyway, if your still reading this I guess I should update you on my last couple weeks. My roommate left the farm and went back to Canada, so I have been solo for the last week and a half. The bosses have gotten really lax since then. They built me up to follow this rigid schedule and work non-stop all day everyday, then all of a sudden, nothing. They show up at around 10am and leave at 3pm. No real directions or course to follow. I being me still work non-stop at looking busy meanwhile I finish "the list" by noon everyday.I feel as if I am doing something wrong if I lay in the grass until 5pm, but they are not checking on me anyway. Oh well fuck them, I got a plane ticket to Cancun for 50 bucks and fly out in 2 weeks after a week in Guadalajara, there should be some nights of regret in there to write about. 

The big highlight of my day comes from my afternoon walk; where I go to the village and buy 2 beers and 2 cigaros for 25 pesos and sit on the stoop drinking them because they want the bottle back and the lady at the counter makes me laugh. You ever drink a beer out of a bottle that has been reused so many times the paint on the label is almost gone, Only in Mexico.  So thats it I am hanging out doing some work, biding my time until I get back on the road. Speaking of back on the road, I keep getting this urge to find a summer job and head back to the states before I am broke. There are so many friends there that I miss and working this year seems like the thing to do. Then I can come back. We will see. Keep on keeping on. Love you all.

I fought the Dentist and The dentist won.

          There comes a time in every writer's life when you must cite a source, or reference previously written material. Well for myself that day is today, in Teething At 30 our hero was feeling pain from newly emerging wisdom teeth. This week he went to the dentist to get the situation handled.

        Over the course of the last 5 weeks I had been feeling alot of pain, and being I live in America, I have but 2 choices; live with the pain or sell all my worldly possessions and give hand jobs in gas station restrooms until I could find the thousands of dollars required to get it fixed.  Unless, I went to Mexico. We now find ourselves living in the glorious country, so I went to the dentist. I went in a week ago and they told me it was super infected and I would need to take antibiotics and come back for surgery in a week. This gave me a whole week of nervous energy not knowing what to expect when I returned. Would they gas me and steal my organs? Would they use Novocaine, or just rub some Tequila and cocaine on my gums?

    Yesterday was the day, I left my dwelling and said goodbye to my Canadian Roommate for they final time (not because of fears of death, but rather because she is no longer enslaved here). As I was walking to the bus I met a man with a horse and some lets just say herbal pain/anxiety reliever, and I caught the bus. The bus in Mexico is so funny, they fit as may people as possible on these things, you are so jammed you cant think of anything expect "please god nobody fart".

   I arrived at the dentist office early and waited in the room where you do that. After a bit they came out and got me. The doctor was very nice,explained things and sat me down. He used both a topical and Novocaine to numb me, and after a couple cuts, a few yanks, a little bonesawing, and some more Novocaine, he showed me my tooth, covered in infection and food particles. He was very nice and explained as best he could the upkeep and warning signs  and only charged me $110 us, they even gave me this sweet case for my tooth.

I put it under my pillow last night and it was still there in the morning. I guess the tooth fairy doesn't come to Mexico. Maybe I will wire wrap the tooth and make a necklace for my mom, unless someone else wants it.

One night in Guadalajara, makes a hard man hungover!!!!

          Tuesday was my day off, so I decided to get out of the house and experience the world around me. My fellow WWOOFer is a Canadian girl who just happens to be pretty fluent and has a friend in Guadalajara. We make a tentative plan to head to the Lucha Libre show in town and stay the night at her friends house. We first go into Chapala, the nearest city where we can catch a bus. I also needed to pay for my visa because in Mexico nobody can accept government money except the bank. We do that and then I set a goal to find some coffee, but it seems as though there is no regular coffee, only expresso. This is not good, I like to start my day like most rock stars, with a little drip. I search  about 5 shops, a 7-11 (I should be able to some coffee at a 7-11 right, nope)  and finally 3 blocks up in a little cafe, I see a familiar sight an old pot on an a heated base full of black gold, mission fucking accomplished.  (picture is of a fountian in Chapala)

         We go though the little market square and eat little taqiutos, yes there really are tacos everywhere in Mexico. A bus we  aboard  and are on the way to Guadalajara, we exit the bus and I soon find the great thing about Mexico is that they will sell you one cigarette at a time at a number of the various vendors that line the street to sell, goods and food.  I purchase some cigarettes, anxiety attack avoided  and now I can enjoy the city.

Guadalajara is famous for the "Torta Ahogada", which is a pork sandwhich drowned in a chile sauce, now like a true gringo, I do not really know what i am ordering so I order mine soaking in this sauce, even after being warned by both the vendor and my companion. They chuckle, stand back and watch,  as I  devour this sandwich covered in a substance the color of lava. As I slowly start to eat this sandwich with eyes a watching and watering. I soon discover my mistake as my mouth goes numb and my throat starts to feel like its being violated, like the new guy in a prison  shower.  As I choke back tears and try to look cool, my head is swimming and now this substance is burning my fingers where it touched them. I for one moment actually believe I am eating a fire brick. As I reach into my bag nonchalantly for water, I notice the counter guy chuckle a little. I alas finish and we move on to the stadium.

       The stadium was on the way to the Plaza where we would meet our friend. We stopped to take some pictures and shop at the lucha shops across the street. It was pretty nice as they have a walk of fame outside with several well known busts in the ground. We moved onto the next stop, we called her friend who was behind and asked us to meet her closer to her home, so I could drop off my bag. Once aboard the bus we are inundated with jugglers in the street preforming for tips and chubby harmonica players jumping aboard and grabbing some tips.

    We soon get to our destination, a giant shopping mall where I meet a 20-something girl with short black hair and a leather jacket, from this point on I said very little as no-one else that night spoke English, now I understand most Spanish, but cannot yet vocalize. We get back on the bus and head towards her house. As we arrive at the bus stop, I notice a few things out of place like; An Applebees, Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, Sirloin Stockade, Blockbuster Video, Office Depot, a Peter Piper Pizza, with a sprinkle of Mexican food places. First thought in my head was OMG I was on the bus way too long and somehow ended up back in Texas.   However, I did not end up in Texas, the american businesses are just raping everything everywhere.

      We walk  about a mile or so and get to a small apartment complex.The apartment, I am led into is a nice 2 bedroom with a split plan, very standard and not at all what i was expecting. I was introduced to some roommates and a baby, I can only remember the babies name because they called it "gordita", but she looked nothing like a menu item from Taco Bell. (gordita translates to fat little girl).  At this point we are about an hour or so away from the show and we decide to scrap it, let get drunk instead is suggested. I head to the bodega to retrieve 40's of Corona. A couple hours later I am a little 'down' and some guys come over and we play a table game kinda like monopoly, but in spanish and involving world travel, I kept up really well and never lost track off the game. I did however lose badly, they might have cheated me, but I keep seeing double. I did snap this picture of the set-up.

   After the game I headed down for more beer and found a hot dog stand, one bacon wrapped hot dog covered in green chilli later and I am back. The locals start making an enchilada dinner. Upon hearing about my earlier feat and level of disorientation, they have me sample an array of spicy chilis. After the enchiladas we had some hotdogs with ketchup and mustard. Now, your thinking when does this get good. Well at about this time, fat baby had to go night, night, so we ventured to another friends house. We climbed some steps and walked along a roof to a 8x12, two room brick dwelling with a hot plate and tequila. I enjoyed some shots, and sat as we listened to music from youtube on a netbook with a "mexican internet"; a small  dish you pointed until you could steal someones signal, I need one of those. 

   Soon, a pipe was passed to me with what appeared to be Marijuana and soon I was unhinged, completely lost without the verbal skills to communicate, but "fucked up" is good in any language. As we sat chatting and listening to music, I noticed my host separating seeds from pods and grinding them up, soon a tea is being made and I am being handed a glass of something called "mexican acid" now I was really gone at this point so was everyone else, we floated back to the apartment on clouds made of cobblestones and I dreamed hyper-technicolor telemundo dreams. All in all I had fun and learned that people in other countries also like to laugh, listen to you tube, and get wasted. I hope everyone is having a good time tonight, I love you all good night. Thanks for your support.